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Taking a Win

Happy 1111 day (November - 11, 1st, 2017 = 10).

I've been mulling over this post all day, hesitant to actually post it. Why? I'm not totally sure but here I am and we shall see what comes of it.

The other day I stumbled upon a bunch of photos hidden in a drawer. They were from way back, like my teens, college years, and the time I spent with my ex-husband. In fact, the photos came from my ex. He mailed them to me one day after he found them and a bunch of my stuff in his parent's garage. In these photos were several from when I was 17-19 years old. One in particular caught my attention because 1. it didn't even look like me, yet it very obvious was and 2. I was wearing a bra and panties and I wracked my mind to try and figure out when and where the photo was taken. I came up with sometime in 1994-1995 in a hotel room somewhere. It was during freshman year - after gaining the notorious "Freshman 15" and I weighed around 160lbs.

I still don't know why m ex always wanted to take pics of me in my underwear...some men! Then again, why did I let him? HA!

Anyway, I didn't recognize myself - body, face, nothing. It is like I am looking at a stranger when I look at the photo.

Not long after that photo was taken I remember having an "ah-ha" moment in terms of my weight upon seeing a photo of myself wearing my mom's (yes my mom's) swimsuit the summer after freshman year. I was shocked and asked my mom outright why she hadn't ever said anything. She said, "I didn't want to upset you." I said, "Mom! I'm fat!!!" I became focused on my weight after that. In my sophomore year I took my first P.E. class and was introduced to step aerobics and running. I had to run .5 mile and it was KILLER but I lost weight (dropped 8 lbs from that class) and saw a huge difference so kept at it. I became an avid runner after that.

As you know I've been working hard to get my body fat as low as I can get it so that I see my abs. I have accomplished that and am pleased. When I saw this old photo of myself and how....well.....fat I was, I realized just how much I have accomplished in this lifetime in terms of health and fitness. I am blown away at the difference between my 18-year-old self and my current 41-year-old self.

So here is the photo next to a current photo so you can see what I am talking about.

I remember what I ate when I was 18. Whatever.I.wanted. And what did I want? Sugar. My go-to breakfast? Two cinnamon pop tarts and a tall glass of chocolate milk. LOL It was yummy, though. ;) Now what do I eat? I eat two breakfasts - a protein shake with lots of greens and then later usually egg whites and some form of good carbs like oatmeal.

I tried to remember what size I wore back then. I believe I wore a size 10/12 and my waist was around 28-29 inches. Now I wear a size 4/6 and my waist is 25 inches. When I showed my current husband the old pic he was shocked and didn't recognize me either. Then he said I was beautiful and I didn't disagree. I remember feeling beautiful back then, too. My mom was right to not say anything to me about my weight. Had she, I would have been super self-conscious. But it happened anyway. Pictures don't lie.

Anyway, I still can't believe that was me. Honestly, though, I was beautiful back then, extra weight or not. Would I want to look that way again? No. Could I stand it? Yeah.

Back to my current successes. Here is pic showing my progress over the last three months. Not as eye-opening as the picture before but a noticeable difference. I am happy with the results.

In considering why I have been so hesitant to share these pictures I realized that it stems from not wanting to post anything inappropriate that could be sexually misconstrued. The first picture especially could convey a message I do not wish to convey. Yet it is what it is and I don't feel like the person in that image is even me. I feel so disconnected from that girl and from her life. I'm less hesitant to share the recent comparison shots because I am proud of my progress even if to most the results are barely noticeable. I also think the main thing is that it is all so "body focused" and I don't necessarily like that about myself, but I do care what I look like, always have. I have always prided myself on how I look. So it was self-criticism that was holding me back as well as concern about what others might think. But if you withhold from yourself a win because of what others might think or because of some other "rightness" or "wrongness" then you end up with nothing much. I need to take all the wins I can right now.

Speaking of successes, I ran 4.5 miles this morning with a 9:26 pace. Yay! I did not feel done with the run at the end either. My left foot is not hurting anymore since I got my new shoes, so that is a relief. Also, my watch, a TomTom Spark 3, which gives me updates on my heath and such, recently indicated that my age based upon my health has improved from 49 in July (ugh) to 23 now. :) So I am as healthy as a 23 year-old. Not bad for an old woman.

The Search for a New Dog

We are making progress and have located some potential puppies south of San Antonio. They are nearly ready to go to their new homes and they are all available. We just need to pick the one we want. Here are their pictures:

These are all male miniature Australian Shepherds. They will not get as big as my Trooper but will be the same in all other ways, meaning similar disposition and loyalty. My daughter is over the moon about getting a puppy. My sons don't care. My husband is okay with it but seems disinterested overall.

Me, I was fine until I emailed the lady a picture of my Trooper. I had to take a break from the computer because I started feeling that overwhelming grief and loss that I thought had been resolved. It always amazes me just how much grief I feel for the loss of my little boy (that's what I called him). It felt like I was replacing him and I was sad from that thought. I know I'm not but I still miss him. I was feeling happy about getting a new puppy and I still am but it does make me a little sad to think of doing so. No pet could ever replace him in my heart.

My favorite is the third puppy, the one with the sad eyes. My mom likes the second one. I emailed the breeder and asked her which would get the biggest because mini Aussies can range in size from 13-18 inches. I prefer 15-18 inches. She told me that the puppy that would likely get the biggest was the 3rd. The same one I liked. :)

We will probably take a drive down and visit them and pick the one that feels right rather than pick one from a photo. I am looking forward to little puppy kisses again, little puppy sounds, little puppy barks, little puppy growls....even the less pleasant little puppy pee-pees and poo-poos.

I've missed having a dog.


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