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October Energy and Update

The energy is weird. It started October 1st and has just continued. Full moon maybe? I didn't even realize the full moon was so close until today.

On October 1st toward the evening I began to feel like nothing I did or ever could do would matter or change my future. It was such a helpless feeling but interestingly enough it came with an unburdening. My shoulders felt lighter and I exhaled relief. I can't remember now what I was thinking prior to this feeling. Probably trying to sort out my future, to make decisions about the direction I wish to go.

Then on the 2nd the news of the Las Vegas shooting came and I wondered if maybe the gunman (or gunmen) felt some of what I felt on the 1st? Maybe he just felt so hopeless he lost his mind? Maybe he figured he would do something drastic since nothing else seemed to make a difference? Makes me glad that I relaxed into the feeling and let it unburden me.


For both the 1st and the 2nd I had strange dreams and woke up crying. The tears stopped upon waking the first night but got more intense the second night. There just is so much going on in my life right now even though it seems like there is nothing much going on at all.

I had a dream that I retrieved a blue boat but when I got to it, it had split completely in two. Considering all the boat dreams I have had over the course of this year, to see one split in two, unusable, indicates a shift in me at some level. Boats have to do with navigating emotion. If one is broken or split in half it could mean I am done navigating my emotions, done with emotion, FED UP. Yeah. That's it. I'm f&*^ing DONE with emotion!

Then in another dream I was in the middle of a dark, blue ocean (emotional state), swimming (exploring aspects of subconscious) with a group. I turned around mid-way and saw how far away the shore was and panicked a bit but then kept going. There was no turning back.

As I swam I felt to become a walrus. I could feel my thick skin, my fins, even see my walrus face. Walruses symbolize being on the lookout for anyone who is trying to outmaneuver me. It is also indicative of a thick skin and being tough.

When I reached the shore it was covered with hundreds of large, black crocodiles (danger, emotional and rational, on the verge of new awareness). I couldn't exit the water and just stared at them. Then the current (life events/decisions and where they lead) took me back out to sea. As it did, I became my human self again. I held over my head my cell phone (receptivity) and looked for my purse (secrets, desires and thoughts) and my goggles (protection from emotional harm). The feeling I had was to not fight the current but let it take me.

I woke up crying from this last dream because toward then end, about the time I saw the crocodiles, I was having a conversation with someone about the spiritual meet-up in Tennessee. My friend wants me to come but I won't go and I was explaining why. When the current was taking me away I felt how I knew I would feel if I were to return there. The feeling was overwhelming and was what made me cry.

A song was in my head when I woke, but just a melody. Eventually I figured out the song, though. The melody I kept hearing went with the below lyrics:

And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight. You're a candle in the window, on a cold dark winter's night. And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might.

Other News

Spiritually I don't have much to write about. I did have a major Kundalini rising episode a few days ago that I wrote about in WordPress, but other than that not much is happening other than some third-eye energy in the evenings. I'm not trying to lucid dream or have OBEs. I am just trying to get good sleep because most nights I am exhausted. With my kids' school schedule I am waking up at 6:30am every weekday morning whether I like it or not. In my experience it is difficult for me to have OBEs with such a schedule, but not impossible.

My main activities right now involved my kids and my fitness goals. I continue to track calories, eat clean and exercise regularly. In 45 days I have managed to get my body fat down to 19.5%, only .5% away from my goal. I have lost 5lbs and an inch from my waist (2 inches from my waist at my belly button). My biggest win is that I can see my abs again! Tee-hee!

I also reached my goal of a 10 min/mile, though only for 2 miles. I am able to run for longer distances without becoming as fatigued and so my next goal is to maintain a 10 min/mile for 3 miles and then 5 and so on and so forth.

In addition to running I lift weights 5 days a week. My goal is to get my body fat even lower (just to see if I can) while maintain muscle mass. I don't want to look like a sickly twig, I just want to look fit and healthy.

I mentioned before that I had been considering becoming a certified personal trainer. Well today I went ahead and signed up for a program with NASM. I will be studying for the exam and then taking a hands-on course (internship) that will lead to a job. I figured since I have always been into health and fitness (since the age of 19) that I might as well put it to work for me. I'm always going to be physically active and health conscious. Since I am great at teaching and working with groups I figure maybe I could join the two interests and earn a living doing something I enjoy for once. No, it doesn't pay as much as my other career options (teacher and school counselor) but I am so done with the education system and bureaucracy. And if this doesn't pan out I am not out a lot of money and have gained knowledge. Win-win.

There are other personal issues on-going that I won't get into now. I'm not sure if I will ever reveal it all here on my blog because of past upsets from my revealing too much. I will only say that my dreams reflect a lot of what is going on. I feel like I am done being the poor, pathetic, sad, broken shell of a woman. I'm tired of feeling beaten down by life. It's time to pick myself up by my bootstraps and get to work. Hopefully I can build up momentum because lately I feel completely out of steam.


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