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Things have been good. Quiet, too. I've not heard any updates from my mom but I haven't inquired. I will be visiting tomorrow to celebrate her birthday so figured I'd wait for any updates until then. My focus has mainly been on my children and my own personal goals. Keeping busy has been my motto, but a good busy, not just monotonous stuff.

I've been steadily working toward my goal of a 10 min/mile on my runs. I reached it and then some, managing a 9:41 pace on the 5K this morning (yay!) and a similar pace on 4 miles yesterday. It was almost too easy which suggests that it is all in my thinking, not so much in my physical body. But then I have always believed I control my body, my body doesn't control me. One's thoughts really make or break a run, or anything for that matter. Think you can, you will. Think you can't, you won't.

I have now reclaimed my running joy, something I thought I had lost when I started back into running this past July. It really was torturous to run all the way up until a few weeks ago. This morning I didn't want to run. I felt really unmotivated but ran anyway because within .5 miles I usually break through some kind of barrier and end up flying high the rest of the run. That happened and then some and I managed all kinds of personal records. These records are still higher than my best records pre-2014 but I'm not complaining.

Just in the last week I've noticed some significant shifts in myself health-wise. My average heart rate has dropped nearly 10 bpm over the course of my runs, indicating that my heart has finally begun to adjust and my oxygen consumption (VO2 max) has increased. I also feel better after my runs where before it could take me hours (sometimes all day) to feel normal again, now I feel better within a few minutes. My resting heart rate has also dropped, but it was already pretty low to begin with. Similarly, it has been months now since I've felt dizzy or low on energy during a weight training session despite including active rests.

I've lost more weight now, too. I'm at 8lbs lost now, approaching my 10lb loss goal. I'm not really too focused on that, though, just on seeing and feeling improvement overall. I set new goals every time I reach one. My next goal is to maintain a 10 min/mile or less at 5 miles and a 9:30 min/mile on the 5K. I am considering running a 10K in November, just haven't settled on which one yet. I am also working away at my abs trying to clear away residual pregnancy fat/skin. Ever done hanging leg raises? Torture! lol But I can do 120!!!

Additionally I did something spur of the moment yesterday. I go to the Vitamin Shoppe all the time and have considered working there many times before but never acted on it. For some reason yesterday I felt I should talk to the manager there and by the end of my visit she told me she should would call me on Monday for an interview. Ha! The job pays crap but that is not why I would want to work there anyway. It is perfect for my interests and fits with my schedule. My husband is supportive, too, despite it meaning he would have to come home early to watch the kids. We'll see what happens. I am super over qualified but being I am studying for my personal trainer cert the job fits right in. What is funny is that the idea of working again - there specifically- even as a sales person, is exciting to me for some reason.

Okay, so to the reason for the title of this blog post.....


After my last post I thought that I was home-free, pointed in the right direction and ready to accept my life "as is" and move on, wherever that leads. I felt very freed for a good day or so, too, but then the last couple of days there has been a return of a familiar feeling. That heartsick feeling that comes from missing someone. When it returned with a vengeance (well it never really left) I got upset again. Not crying or anything but just felt beaten down. Why doesn't it just go away? WTF is wrong with me that I still feel like this!?

Of course I asked for help, for clarification because these things don't just happen randomly, there is a REASON. And this feeling is so unlike me, so new to me, that I just don't know how to cope. Nothing works to lessen it really. I can cover it up with life but it never goes away. And the thing that gets me is that it just doesn't make sense, not really. Yet it feels exactly the same as when I left my youngest child behind for over a week. When he wrapped his little arms around my neck and said, "Mommy! I missed you!" and clung to me my heart was so happy and I couldn't imagine ever being without him in my life. It's the same exact kind of feeling this heartsick feeling that lingers but it comes with no hug, no heartfelt joy because there is no reunion and likely never will be. How does one accept something like that? I don't know if I can, yet that is the message I keep receiving over and over again. Accept life as it is.

My guidance always says the same thing when I begin to feel overwhelmed by the feeling: "It's okay to love. It's okay to feel like you do." With this comes the most amazing blissful energy hug. And yeah, maybe it is okay, but hearing it doesn't help. If anything it makes me think that maybe I need to feel this way and follow the feeling. Ugh. To what end? That's the problem.

So I went to bed asking my guidance for clarification. Again. Please tell me why this happened, why this is still happening. Tell it to me straight, give me the full truth so I can move past it or at least deal with it!

Dream: National Forest

My dreams were hard to recall and mostly I only remember snippets now. The main dream I remember was set in a national forest (transitional phase) somewhere. I was traveling in a car with my family (mom, sisters). We approached a curve in the road and went to the right rather than the into the parking lot on the left. I had my camera and took pictures of the park entrance sign but I can't remember the name of the park now. We drove along slowly and on both sides of the road were little rental cabins (success, self-reliance) for no more than two people. They were super cute and I thought how nice it would be to have a romantic getaway in one of the cabins.

We stopped and my sisters got out and I followed making sure to turn around and take a photo of the forest lined road. It looked so picturesque and perfect, the tall pines (pining for something/someone) so tall I could barely see the sky. For some reason my sister got into a baby stroller (desire for family) and began to roll down the path. I yelled out to her thinking it was out of control and assuming it was my older sister, but my younger sister turned around and told me she was moving it on purpose.

This is when I slowly became more lucid and out of the blue the word "FACE" written in white letters was floating in front of me.

Seeing the message woke me up fully and I contemplated what it might mean for a while. I realized it was the answer to my question - Why did this/is this happening to me? Face = confront and deal with or accept. So the same message again: Accept my life as is. Seems like my guides are saying, "Stop whining. Just get over it. Suck it up." If so my guides are really not very sympathetic!

If I think about it the message likely indicates I'm not seeing something as it is. I'm ignoring the obvious or maybe I just don't want to acknowledge something that needs to be recognized. There are so many things this could be that it does me no good to speculate.

Dream: Waterbed Floor

The message reminded me of a dream I had yesterday night. In it my sister (the one causing the drama at the moment) was staying at an old house in a city close to me (Hutto). I went inside this house and it had odd wall paper on the walls and old crown molding indicating it's age. They were staying in a bedroom that was huge - the size of four bedrooms. There was talk about buying the house, too. When I went into the bedroom I decided to dance across the floor because it reminded me of a ballroom. When I did this the floor began to move like a waterbed and I lost my balance and quickly went to the side of the room. There was then discussion about the foundation of this house being water logged and it being a major defect likely costing lots to repair.

The waterbed floor was what I remembered from this dream. It indicates unstable foundations, instability. In this case regarding my sister. On the surface the floor looks normal, solid, but in reality it is like a waterbed and very unstable to the point that it could rupture and swallow up the people on top. My thoughts then turned to this relating to my sister. It made me think that she could be much more fragile than we realize, fragile enough to do something drastic or suicidal. The one thing keeping her sane right now is likely her son. Take him away and she might lose what little footing she has. I will likely talk to my mom about my concerns.

Midlife Crisis

I've mentioned that I think I'm having a midlife crisis before but this morning an article was on FB and caught my eye. The author indicates that women of Generation X (meaning me) struggle with a new kind of midlife crisis. What the article says sounds a whole hell of a lot like me, too. Stress, stress and more stress. Being generally unhappy but unable to really get to the bottom of the "why". Overloaded with responsibilities and losing hope, feeling disconnected to their husbands, not finding their career rewarding, wanting out but not able to for one reason or the other, etc.

To read that other women my age are going through similar emotions and life upsets as I am is a relief but then the article doesn't really present any kind of solution to the problem other than pointing out that studies show that as we get older we get happier. According to their chart that happiness is over a decade away for me and my unhappiness has yet to even peak. I think maybe the reason we get happier as we age is because we stop caring. Yep. That's gotta be it. lol

Regardless, I still feel to be smack dab in the center of something akin to a midlife crisis. I don't feel near as crisis-like as I did last year but I still have many of the same issues and feelings. There is a lot of self-criticism involved as well as wallowing in self-pity and feeling angry for no reason. This is less now but still happens. I think the biggest feeling haunting me is regret. I'm not one to regret. In fact, had you asked me two years ago if I regretted anything in this lifetime I might have said only one thing - not telling my Dad I love you more before he died. But overall, I regretted nothing and if asked if I would change anything if given the chance of a re-do I would not have changed anything. But now if I was asked that I can't satisfactorily say I have no regrets. In fact, I think regret is directly linked to the heartsick feeling I have. Perhaps it is the cause even.

So here I am, a woman of Generation X in the midst of a midlife crisis and full of regret. It's not where I thought I would be at my age but at least I can say I look like a 30-something, feel like a 20-something, and don't drink, smoke or do drugs to numb myself. So now I guess I just need to FACE myself, my life and my choices and get over it. I wish they had a pill for that....