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One Year Ago Today

I wasn't going to post publicly this morning but when I logged into FB a picture popped up from 1 year ago today.

I cannot believe it has been 1 year since I drove from Texas to Tennessee to attend a spiritual gathering. I spent over a week there. It was probably the most transformative week of my life but memories of it leave me with mixed feelings now. A question keeps going through my mind: "If you could go back to that period in time, would you change anything?"

My first thought is: YES. I wouldn't have gone. Period. Had I known what I know now I would have stayed in Texas despite the intense urge I had to go to the gathering.

Then I feel this feeling that says to me, "Are you sure?"

I know why I am being asked this. The transformation I went through (might still be going through) would never have occurred. Additionally, the ending that it incited would not have occurred. It may have been drawn out for months, it could even still be on-going. Profound transformations cannot occur without endings, so my transformation would have been delayed as well.

But then I compare myself now to myself before the transformation and I think, "I would have rather stayed that person than be the person I am today." I had hope back then. I was excited about life. I felt alive and powerful. Looking toward the future was exciting and scary at the same time. The person I am today is none of those things.

Before, when I thought of the word, "Transformation", I use to only think of it as a good thing. It had to be, right? It meant great changes and growth. Like the butterfly symbolism that portrays it, transformation is suppose to take one to the next level where they emerge as everything they are meant to be. Just like the caterpillar transforms into the butterfly. My guidance encouraged this thinking, reassuring me throughout.

But now I can't help but think that maybe I was totally wrong about transformation. Maybe it isn't always a good thing. Maybe sometimes the butterfly one turns into is not at all what they assumed it would be. Maybe in fact they become a moth or some other creature? Or maybe their wings never fully form and they are grounded, unable to soar in the sky as they had hoped?

Even now, a full year after that fateful journey, I get emotional. Reality sinks in. I am no better off. In fact, I am worse off in many ways. Yes, I learned that a love exists beyond anything I can humanly comprehend. I would never have touched on its existence had I not gone. It would never have been real to me, either, but remained a dream/fantasy. But everything that came after, the intense pain and the depth of the sorrow I felt and will forever carry with me, were not worth it. No one deserves to feel such pain, not even me for all the horrible mistakes I've made in my life. I must have really felt I deserved to be punished, though because the only person I can blame for what has happened is myself. I'm the one who created this life after all.

A couple of days ago, still bothered by the way my sister reacted to my "betrayal", I got a message. It came as a single word, "Humility". Humble in Latin means "low". For me that lowness has been my life this past year. I know the message also implies that I not feel myself better or somehow more deserving of the "good life" than my sister. I need to remember that I, too, have made many mistakes. I am not perfect and nothing I have done, no amount of education or influence, will ever make me somehow better or more deserving than anyone else. Similarly, it means that no one is punishing me, God is certainly not. It is just a lesson learned and a reflection of myself.

Does that mean the lessons begun this day last year were meant to teach me humility? I don't know. I suspect that lesson is on-going. I am a Leo after all and we are known for our pride. I don't feel that my pride led me down that path, though. It was love misunderstood. But ultimately I have been humbled by the experience, by love.


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