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Two Dreams and Deep, Penetrating Sadness

Still battling a cold but am past the sore throat stage already. Now I'm just dealing with stopped up ears, evening headaches and congestion. Thankfully I've been more stable mentally and emotionally so as to counter the physical setbacks of the cold. In fact, I've felt so stable that I attempted a workout in the gym and passed with flying colors. No panic attack, not even a near-miss. Perhaps the panic/anxiety was just a temporary side-effect of recent integration and/or upgrades?

My sleep continues to be deep and uninterrupted but my dreams are slowly becoming more lucid and memorable. Last evening my guidance interrupted my thoughts for the first time in a while. I was contemplating the whole walk-in confusion I went through and the last thing I thought to myself was, "I am not a walk-in, never was." It crossed my mind that if I got that wrong then I likely got many other things wrong about my journey; that none of it has ever been what it appeared to be. I felt calm with this thought and then felt my guidance close. I was asked if I was ready to continue and resume communication. My response was simply, "Okay."

Prior to bed I sent out a short prayer. I have been feeling "dead" again and want to remedy that. Prior to 2014 I was content with that feeling assuming it was just a part of life. Now, however, I know that consideration is false. So I asked for assistance. I dread the idea of living the rest of my life feeling "dead" inside.

Afterward, I did a simple exercise in meditation that I have been doing for a few weeks now. I imagine a brilliant white light entering through my crown and filling up my entire energy body. Often when I do this I feel a spark of energy expand throughout my body. I call these "energy hugs" - a familiar energy sensation I've been having since 2003. The energy usually originates somewhere in my spine or neck and then engulfs my entire body. I instantly relax into its embrace. Recently, in reading the accounts of a FB friend who experiences Kundalini, I realized these energy hugs are actually the result of active Kundalini. My friend has these when she does self-healing and her description of them is identical to what I experience.

Dream: Dinner With a Friend

I was inside a small dwelling with an Asian man. There was a sense that he and I were courting and that there were specifics customs involved. It also felt to be in the past but how far back I am not sure. He was setting the table with small bowls and chopsticks. Everything was foreign to me but I was interested and asking him questions. He also seemed to be trying very hard to do everything properly and there was a sense that he was trying to keep our interaction appropriate in every way. He mentioned his mother and how she taught him to respect women and treat them right. And the way he was treating me was very respectful and gentlemanly.

I saw that he was cooking shrimp at one point and then noticed a pot of white rice on the table. He arranged my seat at the front of the table. When I tried to sit elsewhere he told I was his guest and his placing me there was to show how honored he was to have me there. I don't recall eating anything but I did accept a serving of rice when he offered it to me.

Much conversation passed but I can't recall it word-for-word. Mostly we were being very proper and formal but underneath the conversation was a feeling of nervousness from him. He was trying very hard to do everything right. I recall his mother coming in at one point and feeling her criticism and expectation of him. My feelings were mostly just a knowing that he and I were courting and that what I was experiencing was a dream. Unfortunately I never woke up in the dream but remained mostly unconscious.

Mostly what is left of this dream are impressions now. I remember his face because I spent a good majority of the dream inspecting and memorizing his features. He was very obviously Asian and I concluded at some point that he was Japanese based on everything I heard and observed. Though I do not know what ethnicity I was, I know I was being taught his customs so I must have been a foreigner. The only clue of how I appeared was in that fact that he was taller than me. There was also a knowing throughout the dream that he and I loved each other very much. I felt I knew him and wished that our interaction wasn't so formal.

Dream: Studebaker

At some point in the dream the Asian man's entire family was with us.  There is a lot of missing information but I recall falling asleep on the sofa at one point and my own family being present. The Asian man remained by my side while I slept. The feeling from him was of concern and a strong bond of love and friendship.

While I slept I dreamed I entered a diner somewhere. It was rectangular with tons of windows. Again it felt to be in the past but when, I'm not sure. Perhaps the 1950's? The diner was full of older people, mostly men, mingling and singing various hymnals. The feeling was of celebration. Oddly, though it was a diner, I don't recall seeing any tables. Instead I seemed to be looking for someone. I searched faces noticing most of the men were wearing military uniforms.

Slowly I walked through the crowd listening to the hymns being sung. Suddenly, standing in front of me was my grandfather wearing his Navy uniform complete with hat. When I saw him his face seemed to freeze frame as if time froze in that moment. He was not young like he was when he was in the service but old like I remember him. He smiled at me and I could feel his love and joy at seeing me.

Then I woke up from this dream-within-a-dream and was walking along a city street. I saw the cafe I had just been in. A blonde woman was at the door. I began talking to her about the cafe. She told me she bought it and was renovating it. It was obvious I was in the future and the cafe had gone into disrepair. I watched as she scraped old paint from the walls and told her I wanted to help her with the renovations. As I was facing the wall I said to her, "I dreamed of this place." She asked me, "Do you remember it's name?" I said, "Studebaker." As I said the name I became overwhelmed with sadness. It as as if my heart was being ripped from my chest. I sobbed and sobbed, tears freely flowing to the point of waking me up. The name "Studebaker" kept repeating in my mind as if I were trying to remember it.

Deep, Penetrating Sadness

When I woke up I continued to cry for a while. The sadness was not at missing my grandfather. It is a deep, penetrating sadness, one that has been with me since the end of 2016.

A memory came to mind while I was recovering from crying and trying to return to sleep. In 2015, when my heart was blasted open and I was trying to sort through all the feelings and memories that came with it, I was told what I was experiencing was "unrequited love". At the time I didn't understand. Recently, though, it has started to make sense. Unrequited love is often thought of as love that is not returned. However, it can also be when two people love each other but cannot be together for one reason or the other. I didn't understand what my guides told me back in 2015 because I had no experience to relate it to. Unrequited love was something I read about in books only and so was very unreal to me as was love of comparable magnitude as to incite such a condition.

As my sadness dissipated the verse of a song began to play in my mind:

When I said that I love you
I meant that I love you forever.
And I'm gonna keep on lovin you

It was so prominent and unexpected that I took it as a message because, well, that's what it was. As soon as I recognized it I wondered about it. Not long after another song verse unexpectedly popped into my head:

Back in the summer of 69'

There was another song following that one but I can't recall it now but what I remember was an overall message that "it will be alright". I was unable to return to sleep, though.

Later, I wondered about "Studebaker". I am still not sure why that was the name of the cafe. Perhaps it had to do with the time period or maybe it has some other meaning. I doubt I will ever know, but it was fun to Google Studebaker and learn a bit about the company this morning. :)

Other Messages

I continue to receive messages throughout my day. They come in many forms, sometimes numbers (111 and 11 being the most common), but often times via the show Supernatural. In a recent episode, a woman lost her husband violently and was given advice about how to move on with her life. She was told to keep on and eventually she would get back to normal. Her response was, " No I won't." As this conversation started I felt I needed to pay attention to it and realized why when it was over. I've long stated that I will never be the same after what I've gone through. When watching this I completely agreed with the words the woman said. I am forever changed.

I continue to get messages from my guidance that things will get better. They advise me to "rest" and to be kind and patient with myself. Things are better in a sense but not easier. I understand much more, which makes it somewhat easier but then at the same time makes it that much harder. Mostly I have accepted that I will feel like I feel until this life ends, maybe even beyond it. I have accepted the brutal facts but it doesn't change how I feel. That remains consistent throughout.

I don't mean to be whiny, so sorry if I seem that way. This sadness is the worst and I've been sad/depressed most of my life. It helps to communicate what I am feeling because in real life no one understands because it just isn't real to them. When I've tried to communicate what I am feeling to my husband, while in the midst of a breakdown, I am at a loss. Usually I can verbalize what is going on inside. With this, I can't. At times it is so intense that I cannot fathom living the rest of my life with such a burden without it breaking me. When I am hit with this sadness - grief is a better word - I feel like someone I loved dearly died so in turn it is like I am dying inside. My throat tightens up and I can't breathe and my heart feels to be squeezed from the inside. And just when I think I have left this feeling behind I am hit with it again. And again. And again..... It is relentless and it gives no warning. It leaves me so exhausted afterward, too, as if it squeezed me of all life and left only a pathetic shell in it's wake.

The worst part is I think I have this to look forward to for the rest of my life.... a living hell if you ask me.

As I wrote that I was reminded of a post I skimmed through by Denise of High Heart Life. Her blog is one of the ones I still follow and something she wrote caught my eye yesterday. In her post she was reminiscing about her childhood and a discussion she had with a friend when she was 8-9 years old. She wrote that she told her friend, "Hell is here on Earth". I laughed because I would have said the same thing had you asked me at that age. I still would but now it is more real to me than ever.