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Tick Tock

Yesterday, quite out of the blue, something occurred to me. It was one of those puzzle completions - you know when all the separate pieces that have been received over time come together to finally create the complete picture of Knowing? Yeah, one of those moments.

I was NOT looking for it. If anything, I have been protesting any communication from my guidance right now. I don't want them interfering in my decision-making or in any part of my life right now. I am content to be alone spiritually and physically. In fact, I know I need it. No more distractions of the spirit-kind. As a result of my decision, my dreams are typical dreams, the kind where the previous days events are recycled. There have not been any prophetic type dreams, any guide interruptions in dreamtime, any Kundalini craziness and no astral projections. Lucid dreams are also not on my agenda, despite having one by "accident" yesterday morning. When I wake up in the morning I am trying to stop myself from automatically interpreting what I got in dreamtime. Thankfully, since my dreams are hard to recall, this has not been too difficult, but it is such an ingrained habit that it is hard to break.

But back to the complete puzzle. It was odd how it occurred to me. I had not been thinking of anything but was very down and depressed as I have been for a while now. Actually, I think my primary personality obstacle in this life is depression; self-focused rather than other-focused but that is a whole other blog entry.

Basically, without going into all the signs and syncs, the message was that my time is limited here on Earth. I was reminded of a question I was asked many years ago. I can't recall the exact year and I wish I could but right now I don't think it matters. The question was, "What if you only had 10 more years to live, what would you do?" At the time I shrugged off the question because I never know if my guidance is trying to get me to think or if they are giving me information about my future. I figured it was the former - shock me into thinking about what I want in life - so I didn't think much about it. I told them, "Nothing. I would keep things as they are."

In yesterday's moment of recognition signs from the past month or so all pointed to this question and moment from my past. Since sometime in early June I have been receiving messages, signs and feelings/Knowing that my time on Earth is coming to an end. Death is not far away. I assumed it meant there would be a soul exchange or that it had to do with Ego death and so have been shrugging it off. And I guess it could still mean that, who knows. But in this moment of clarity yesterday it seemed obvious to me that my "work is almost done" (as was a message previously received). I remembered being told by my guidance not long ago that I should focus on relaxing and enjoying this time in my life. This message was at the forefront of my memory yesterday. Why would they say that? At the time I thought it was just because they wanted me to rest and heal and I thought nothing of it but yesterday it was echoing in my head as if it was really meant to say, "You don't have much time, enjoy yourself while you can."

I think the panic attacks have a lot to do with an inner Knowing that my own death is not to far in the future. In fact, the panic always comes from me thinking I will die or that I am getting so sick I cannot manage life without assistance. Of course, panic attacks are always a result of fear of such things but these are really intensely scary, even for me.

I also had the strong urge not long ago to write up a long letter to my family, a "goodbye" letter. It was a very strong urge but I didn't act on it.

I purposefully did not write my feelings of impending death in my other blogs because I thought maybe I was wrong or misinterpreting them. I did tell a friend about it just in passing but didn't go into details. I honestly didn't want to confront it. But then yesterday it was in my face like, "YOU KNOW."

My guides have long told me I would know when my time was up. They also said they would tell me. It reminds me of how I was warned a year before my dog passed away that he had only a year left. Did I write it on my calendar? No. Did I even think of it again? No. I'm an idiot I guess - no rather I just didn't want to confront it. The thought of losing my beloved friend was too much for me to handle. Even on the day of his death I was unable to confront it. Perhaps the same thing is happening to me in regards to my own mortality clock? I was warned I had 10 years left and given ample time to consider how I would change my life. Perhaps that time is nearly upon me? I don't know. I can't remember when the message was given. I should have paid attention!

I searched this blog to see if maybe I wrote an entry of this message. I didn't, not that I could find anyway. The closest I got was a post in 2014 discussing the message from years before. It is driving me crazy trying to figure out what year I received that message! I know it was after my daughter was born, but was it before my son was born? Or after? I remember the moment the question was asked of me. I was sitting outside on the front porch alone. I know I was in communication with my guidance at the time, too, though not constantly. I also know my dog, Trooper, was still alive (he died in 2012). I don't recall much else about what was going in my life, though. If I could maybe I would get a better idea of a time frame.

Regardless, the question was asked and I have been reminded. My best guess for when the question was first asked would be 2010-2011, maybe even the end of 2009. That would mean 2019-2021 would be the time frame for when the ten year period is up.

So why do I care  anyway? Because I can't wait. I'm probably the only person I know who would react like I do. If I was told I had a terminal illness and only had a certain amount of time remaining I would be instantly relieved. Similarly, if I was told I was going to live longer than expected I would be disappointed. I know, I'm strange, but Earth seems like a prison sentence to me. Always has. In fact, I woke up thinking about that this morning.

And if the question was asked of me but edited to indicate how much time was remaining such as, "What would you do if you knew you only had 2 years left to live?", my answer would be the same. Nothing. I have made the changes I wanted. I am not bogged down in a full-time job. I am spending time with my kids. I am fully provided for - money isn't an issue and I can spend freely without worry. I also don't have to deal with people other than family on a daily basis which makes me want to do a major happy dance!

Honestly, this life doesn't have anything in it I desire to have or experience beyond what I have now. I crave the spiritual experiences, especially the profound ones and those that have brought me closer to mySelf and my true nature. My quest is to Know and to delve deep into the unknown (within myself). So nothing external is on my list of must haves.

Only recently did I encounter something I desired more than anything I have ever. This is what I have given up on ever having/experiencing. It is complete Union. If there was anything I wanted to accomplish before leaving this body/planet it would be that. If I accomplish Union I would leave this life feeling complete and satisfied. So simple, yet so complicated. I prefer Union to not just be at the spiritual level but also the physical. So I guess I have two goals - Union in Spirit and Union in the physical. Lofty goals, I know. I would be lucky to achieve even one, much less both. And funny thing is, spiritual Union occurs at death anyway, so I guess I am guaranteed that one. That makes me smile.

What to do in the meantime? Stop worrying I guess and enjoy this time, like my guides suggested. I guess I should be wanting to spend extra quality time with my kids and family, but I don't. I am reminded of movies where a person knows they have limited time and so they dive head first into the family relationships, working to clean them up and make everything "better". I don't feel a need to do that nor would I if I was told by a doctor I had limited time and it was in my face and undeniable that I was dying. I guess I know that these illusions won't matter to any of us once we are freed from them. If anything, if I knew I was dying, was 100% sure, I would spend time talking to my kids to prepare them and teach them how to contact me after I died. I want them to know that even if they can't see me I am never gone. I would teach them to pay attention to their dreams and learn to control them. I would encourage them to always question, to always look deeper, and to never let anyone force them into a reality that is untrue to them. I would encourage them to listen to their father and follow his guidance because unlike other parents, he Knows.

What would you do if you had only a few more years to live and knew it? Would you change anything?