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Panic Increasing

Yesterday I got dropped at the gym to fill out the paperwork to end my membership. I can't go there anymore because of the anxiety.

While I was there filling out the paperwork I was fine but then I had time to burn because my husband was at lunch with the kids. I did a very light workout, keeping my heart rate at around 110bpms (ridiculously low) and was okay though I did have to fight the panic a couple of times. I also noticed that the panic would increase if other people were present. There were two other woman in the room with me at the beginning and I felt to be on high alert, like super sensitive to them. When they left, I relaxed/calmed substantially.

Toward the end I had to wait about 5 minutes at the front of the gym for my husband to arrive. I had a strong exposed feeling that bothered me. I am not use to it and so it scared me. This feeling is linked directly to the panic episodes and only occurs when I am not in the presence of my family or in my own home. It is like the entire space around me is open and expansive all of a sudden and I feel small and vulnerable and as if suddenly the world "sees" me when they didn't before. I suspect this is similar to how a person with agoraphobia feels, but why am I feeling this all of a sudden?

Later in the day while back at my home I began to feel strange, as if I were receiving communication from someone but no one was there. I also saw movement out of the corner of my eye but no one was there when I turned to look. With this I felt as if I am being told to be on alert but then nothing substantial happened. It began to make me feel a bit paranoid and I had to remind myself that I am in a precarious state at this time, though exactly what that means I am not sure.

There are other minor things I am noticing. I am purposefully avoiding leaving my home because of the strange "huge world" feeling I am experiencing. I don't like feeling small and vulnerable and since that is now happening when I leave my house and go out and about to shop or whatever, I am lingering more and more at home. Home = safe. If my husband is with me, I don't feel as exposed, but when he leaves my side and I am on my own, I ultimately end up feeling nervous and strange. If I am with my kids I tend to be okay, too, though I fight panic most of the time if I am out with them mostly when I am driving.

I have no explanation for this sudden shift in perception. Why do I feel so exposed when out and about in the world and interacting with others outside of my family? The space around me seems so big and I feel so small and vulnerable. It is like I am unable to process the energies of the world, of others not close to me and of varying situations all of a sudden. I can't function in the world if I feel like this!

There also follows me around most of the time now a feeling of impending doom, death and endings. Along with it there is a disconnection with life that is increasing day by day. I can't help but think I am slowly leaning toward a complete mental breakdown.

Of course, then there are the times I feel completely normal and functional. This is when I am at home and have no need to leave home - so most of the waking day thankfully.

I have been praying for assistance, asking for this panic/paranoia I've been feeling/experiencing to resolve. I need to be able to function in life if I am to live at all!


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