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Showing posts from July, 2017

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Kundalini Returns

I mentioned in my last post that I have had some precognitive-type dreams. Well I had received information about the 30th-31st of July, but most of it was lost to me. All that remained with the two dates was Knowing that it was important.

Yesterday I agreed to go to a work party with my husband. His company has them every now and again and I usually don't go. This time I opted to go since, well, I am doing things I normally wouldn't do. A few hours before we were to leave I kept getting a weird feeling. I pushed it away but it was persistent. It just felt like "something" was going to happen.

The party was at Top Golf. The company provided everything and so I took advantage. Free alcohol, food, desert, etc. I told my husband I planned to get a good buzz. Why not? Well, the buzz gave me my first panic attack in weeks, but it was a tiny one. I stopped having wine after that and switched to water.

Nothing else happened and so I forgot about the feeling I had. Then at aroun…

Personality Change

I continue to push myself out of my comfort zone on a daily basis, though it is funny how quickly one's comfort zone expands! lol I am working on stepping away from creating new routines because routines end up becoming comfortable, but that is the point after all. Humans crave routine. It makes them feel safe and in control. This is built into our society and hard to avoid, but the more aware one is of it, the better.

The more I act without thinking first of the "what if's" and "consequences", the more in-tune I get with my true self. It is a slow process and not foolproof by any means. I still sometimes listen to the inner voice that warns against anything "unsafe" or different from my "norm". I am seeing, however, that adventure-seeking, courageous and bold child I once was coming out more frequently. What is funny is that that part of me scares the part of me that craves routine and moderation. It is obvious that the thrill-seeking si…

Life and Other Happenings

I've been taking it easy this week. I think I overdid it last week with the running, swimming and weight training crammed in with all the family activities because I have felt more tired than usual. Despite this, I went for a run early Tuesday morning and the humidity almost did me in. Plus, I hate running in the morning! I do better mid-day or evening. Unfortunately, morning runs are better right now with temps in the upper 90's well into the evening hours.

Yesterday I went to the lake with my family to try swimming in open water. I started out to the buoy with my husband and began to panic when it got real deep. Sigh. I ended up swimming along the shoreline for almost 700 meters. I need to build up my endurance, swimming more than 100 meter segments, then I can try the open water swim. I still have childish fears of monsters lurking in the deep. Plus it doesn't help that the lake is overflowing with hydrilla, an invasive species of water plant that likes to grab onto your…

The Practice of Surrender

I had a long, busy and productive weekend. It began with a trip to the water park with my entire family and my BIL and his two sons. Usually I would not go to the water park for various reasons, all of them BS and based upon my mother's valence (tendencies/patterns) and not my own. Consistent with my goal to push myself outside of my comfort zone, the water park was a fun experience and one I should not have been denying myself just because of the false beliefs and self-limitation picked up from my mom growing up.

I did not get to go on the bike ride I had planned this weekend. The bicycles my husband had for me to try out were just too big and the one that would be more my size was a 20 minute drive away and we could just not fit it into our schedule. At some point I will give it a try but it is likely too small for me at 48cm. I need one that is around 52cm. A neighbor and avid bike rider suggested I get a hybrid bike rather than a road bike. He also suggested I take a master swi…

Random Dreams and Things

I've been keeping busy this week and my interest in blogging and spiritual subjects is becoming less and less with each passing day. My goal to do something different each day that challenges me is working. I got the kids involved and have been out and about every day this week with them. We've visited a community park, my mom's house, and a donut factory this week. My kids also stayed the night at my mom's last night which gave me and my husband a night to ourselves. We went to Flix Brewhouse for dinner and a movie. We saw the newest Planet of the Apes movie. I give it 3 stars for a slow first half. Plus, I just can't seem to sympathize with computer-generated ape people.

On top of the busy schedule with my kids, I've been pushing myself to exercise outside more. My mom's place is great for outdoor activities, swimming especially, but running out there is nice as well. I have miles and miles of hilly, country roads to run. :) It has been extremely hot here …


As I mentioned in my last post, I am going to start slowly "weaning" myself from blogging. Since I have gotten in the habit of daily blogging I am going to start out with reducing my blogging to every other day and then reduce it further to every third day and then every week, and so on and so forth until I am blogging less and less. Blogging itself is not an issue, it's therapeutic and helps me sort my thoughts, but blogging publicly is no longer beneficial.


I made good progress over the weekend making it to about halfway through the course I am doing. I had some interesting experiences I wanted to share.

There are two drills focused on confront. The first involves just sitting with eyes closed across from another person. You do this until you can be there comfortably. I normally have no issue with doing this because I have done so much meditating. Apparently many people fall asleep. I wish I could do that! Anyway, I was not comfortable doing this drill and it too…

Into the We-World

My first day of "class" was successful. I left feeling positive, open, and extroverted compared to my normal introversion. I return today and will work with a partner to practice - drill -  communication. The first to be drilled is confront. Ha! Just what I need because, though I very often excel at confronting life and situations I encounter in life, I have been avoidant of late. I will first just sit comfortably with my eyes closed for a length of time across from my partner whose eyes will be open. After that I get to do it with eyes open and looking my partner directly in the eyes and am not allowed to look away. I will master the first without an issue but the second always brings out some interesting manifestations, usually nervousness and sometimes even grief. If you have ever looked anyone in the eyes for a long time without talking it can be quite unnerving and exposing. That is EXACTLY what it is suppose to do in the drill. 
I have successfully completed these drill…

The Joke's on Me

I had a win regarding my panic/anxiety yesterday. My kids were going stir crazy inside the house and so I took them to get hair cuts. It wasn't a long drive, maybe 5 minutes, and I drove the other car which I think helped. I had absolutely no anxiety or concern about the drive, no strange light headed feeling or heart palpitations. My husband called and joined us for lunch which was nice but my younger two were getting really antsy so I tried to get him to take them home so me and my daughter could continue the shopping in peace. She had a meltdown over that, though, because for some reason she wanted her brothers with us. She tends to fixate on things and struggles to let stuff go when plans change. Her tantrum was too much and my husband bailed on me so I had to take all three to the next shop. It went okay but my younger two were chasing each other all over the store. It upset my daughter more than me and the store clerk was smirking the whole time. He was really cool about it …

Panic Increasing

Yesterday I got dropped at the gym to fill out the paperwork to end my membership. I can't go there anymore because of the anxiety.

While I was there filling out the paperwork I was fine but then I had time to burn because my husband was at lunch with the kids. I did a very light workout, keeping my heart rate at around 110bpms (ridiculously low) and was okay though I did have to fight the panic a couple of times. I also noticed that the panic would increase if other people were present. There were two other woman in the room with me at the beginning and I felt to be on high alert, like super sensitive to them. When they left, I relaxed/calmed substantially.

Toward the end I had to wait about 5 minutes at the front of the gym for my husband to arrive. I had a strong exposed feeling that bothered me. I am not use to it and so it scared me. This feeling is linked directly to the panic episodes and only occurs when I am not in the presence of my family or in my own home. It is like the…

More on the Experience

The strange experience I had early last night did not keep me from falling asleep, though it did wake me up for a short time. When normally I would be super excited after such an experience, I was not in this instance. I remember sending to my guidance, "I told you to stop it." In response I got a memory of being told, "There's no turning back." They just don't seem to care whether I want to have these experiences or not.

When I awoke this morning my dreams quickly disappeared. All I recall was feeling a buzzing energy in my crown and a similar energy snaking around to the front of my neck from the lower part of my head. For some reason I thought I should have a headache after the crazy exploding energy in my head last night, but there was no lingering evidence that I had ever gotten one. My head felt - still feels - odd. It is unlike anything I have ever felt before. No energy "helmet" like I'm use to. Instead the inside of my head is what fee…

What Was That!?

Documenting what just happened. Am still unsure what exactly it was.

8:45pm - While watching t.v. I felt a "call" from my Companion. My heart lit up and I melted into the bed from the bliss that filled it. This happened a few times until it finally abated at about 9pm.

10:30pm - settled down to sleep despite feeling my guidance around me. Reminded myself to ignore them and so I did.

11pm - Awoke from a bizarre experience. I was in a lucid dream, or maybe still in the in-between because I did not feel like I was asleep but rather like I was conversing with someone in a dark, nothingness space. I was vaguely aware at first of a powerful energy descending down through my crown and filling up my entire body. I would stop it, argue with someone, and become a bit more lucid. With each pass the conversation became more and more audible. After the last pass, about the third or so, I remember standing in a "shower" and hearing from the man I was talking to, "Everyone (mis…

Tick Tock

Yesterday, quite out of the blue, something occurred to me. It was one of those puzzle completions - you know when all the separate pieces that have been received over time come together to finally create the complete picture of Knowing? Yeah, one of those moments.

I was NOT looking for it. If anything, I have been protesting any communication from my guidance right now. I don't want them interfering in my decision-making or in any part of my life right now. I am content to be alone spiritually and physically. In fact, I know I need it. No more distractions of the spirit-kind. As a result of my decision, my dreams are typical dreams, the kind where the previous days events are recycled. There have not been any prophetic type dreams, any guide interruptions in dreamtime, any Kundalini craziness and no astral projections. Lucid dreams are also not on my agenda, despite having one by "accident" yesterday morning. When I wake up in the morning I am trying to stop myself from …