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The Nurturing of Innocence

My husband is out of town so my sleep was interrupted more than usual since I didn't have any help with our baby. It seemed to makes no difference, however, to my dreams. I had a couple very vivid and detailed dreams last night.

vampire baby 
Vampire War

This dream was very intricate. I could write an entire novel from the details of just this one dream! In summary, however, the dream entailed the events leading to and culminating in a war between vampires and humans.

I don't know which side I was on but I think I was on the human side, at least at first. The beginning of the dream included the revelation to me, my family and other humans, that vampires lived among us and they were tired of being hidden. The vampires came after children first. Not only did they kill them but they also created tiny vampires out of them. In one vivid scene, a vampire baby was birthed by a vampire mother. This was a shock in itself because vampires cannot have children! Yet, in the dream, I witnessed the birth of a baby vampire and then the other vampires forced me to allow the baby vampire to feed on my middle son.

After this horrific scene, the dream continued with me and other humans running and hiding from the vampires. I recall hiding inside a home that was enormous and very elaborate. It turned out the home was of the vampire queen and that is where I discovered that a war had been waged against humanity. The vampires were winning, too.

In a particularly vivid scene of the dream, I recall a conversation I had with a vampire. I believe it was the queen. She showed me, in my mind, how it was pointless to fight them. I saw in my mind scenes of countless humans giving up and giving in to the vampires. All of the agreed to allow to be drained of blood and then transformed into undead, blood thirsty vampires. The numbers of humans left was very small and was shrinking. She tried to convince me that there was no sense in fighting the inevitable. I felt such a loss and hopelessness that when I awoke to my baby crying all I could think about was the scene where the baby vampire was drinking from my son. The impossible feeling of being unable to do anything about it hung over me as I held by baby and rocked him back to sleep.


I am not completely sure what this dream symbolizes, but the feeling it left me with was complete powerlessness. I felt so completely unable to do anything to make a difference in what happened; apathetic. The struggle between "good" and "evil" here is what really stands out. The "evil" could very well be death and the "good", life. This makes the most sense to me after yesterday's early morning OBE where I was asked "Do you really want to kill yourself". The question has been haunting me and was likely what created this dream. The choice in the dream was about whether to succumb to "death" or to resist and continue on with "life". I never made a decision in the dream. I just stood there in limbo feeling that I had no power in the decision and my fate was already sealed.


When I rocked my baby to sleep I was able to return to sleep quite quickly. Unfortunately, another disturbing dream awaited me.

In this dream I had agreed to watch my children as well as my two, young nephews who are 3 years and 1 year old. I recall getting the baby bag and all the supplies and saying goodbye to my husband and his brother. I stayed with the children and time passed quickly at first. Then, as it approached bedtime, the youngest of my nephews began wanting his bottle and I dug around in his bag to get it but could not find it. At the same time my other nephew got into some trouble so my attention went to him. He got hurt but I can't remember how now. When I went to retrieve the bottle for his brother I reached into the bag and found that the 1 year old had been in it. I pulled him out and when I did two wooden stakes came out of his eyes. I was aghast and freaked out because his eyes were bleeding. The tiny wooden rods seemed to not have hurt them but I worried he would lose his vision. I called my husband who told m to take them to the hospital. I fretted over what I had allowed to happen, worrying they would blame me and make us pay for the hospital visit even though it was an accident.


When I awoke this time to my baby's cries I was perturbed. Why was I having such weird, blood filled dreams? Also, I felt very unhappy about being awakened. Baby was inconsolable for some reason and this only irritated me further. But I finally got him to sleep by walking him in his stroller. I returned to bed a half hour later but could not sleep.

The visual that stayed with me from this dream was the bleeding eyes of my nephew. The symbolism here is that there is some deep pain and internal conflict within me that needs to be address. To see eyes bleeding can also represent sacrifices and difficulties experienced in life. I feel this is very accurate for me since the previous morning's OBE still haunts me even today and when I awoke from this dream I kept asking to sleep, not wanting to waken and confront the day ahead of me.

viewI Can See Clearly Now

What is really weird about these strange dreams and the feelings that come with them is that I keep hearing the Johnny Nash song, "I Can See Clearly Now" over and over in my head. This started yesterday afternoon and I could not get the song out of my head. Even as I fell asleep I was singing it over and over. When I woke up this morning it returned to me.

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

My first thoughts to the lyrics were, "Yeah right". Then I began wondering if perhaps it meant that things were going to get better. By this morning I figured the only thing that I needed to focus on was the first line since that is what I kept singing in my mind the most. But what is "clearly"? Does it mean that these feelings of failure and apathy that I am having are the "clear" part? If so, it sure doesn't seem clear and there isn't any sunshine to my day, that is for sure. Not even literally. An the "obstacles", what are those? Life? Because all I see is more of the same and it bores me.

The Nurturing of Innocence

As I contemplated these things while lying in my bed dreading getting up, I began to drift back to sleep. I was shocked back into wakefulness by a vision of a young girl running through my line of sight. She had blond hair and was vividly bright. But she was lost the minute I tried to focus on her. All I could make out was her blonde hair and that she was wearing a dress dotted with daisies.

It happened again not long after but this time I saw the title of what appeared to be a book written out in front of me. It read, "The Nurturing of Innocence" in bold black letters that moved across my line of sight so close I could not avoid seeing them. With it came a knowingness that this was my job right now, though I rejected it immediately and went back to hating my life and its boring predictability.

Now as I contemplate the message I was given, I understand that my initial thought that this time in my life right now is meant to be devoted to my children was correct. I knew this when we put our house up for sale. I knew this when I left my job. I knew this when we moved into our new house. Yet I feel so bored with it now and I do not know what I am suppose to be doing. Surely it can't just be what I have been doing? Should I be home schooling? Should we be going on field trips together as a family? Should I be interacting with other mothers?

All the above sounds boring to me. Sigh. Maybe it is suppose to be boring? Maybe if I do it enough I will like it? And this dread of starting back to work, what is that about? Is it because I don't belong there, or is there more "nurturing" to be had there that I need to involve myself in?

I can't tell which is the true me and which is my ego creating these feelings. They are all knotted up together and making it very difficult for me to see clearly......Oh, maybe that is what the song means? Perhaps the clarity is coming but I have just yet to get to that instance when the "ah ha" moment hits me? Part of me guesses that will likely to happen once I start work.

With the title of the book I saw still bothering me, I decided to Google it. Interestingly enough I found it linked to Homeschooling blogs. Homeschooling. Hmmm. I have considered homeschooling but have been too lazy and a bit scared to do it. I am not an elementary teacher. All my training has been with older kids. Yet even yesterday I considered it again because my daughter's soon-to-be 1st grade teacher seemed to be sleep walking through life. I could see the brain dead haze in her eyes. Ugh!

This is one of the blogs I found: The Nurturing of Innocence and Naivete. What do you think? Part of me wants to go into the school today and withdraw my little girl before her teacher makes learning and life painful and miserable. Yet, a part of me says to wait and see. There are pieces of the puzzle yet to be revealed. Perhaps I have more to learn?