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Summer break is almost over. My daughter starts 1st grade on Monday and my son has been attending a part-time Montessori school since the beginning of August. I begin my new counseling job on the 1st and I am not looking forward to it. I wish I could stop time and just maintain what I have now, but that is not how it works.


Last night I had dreams that I think reflected some of my concerns about moving forward. In one particularly vivid dream I was asked to cook for a large, church gathering. I decided to cook a very large meatloaf. I The meatloaf was at least two feet long and six inches wide! There is more to the dream but I do not wish to recount it at this time.

However, I did have a very vivid beach dream. In the dream I initially found myself in a large school building. It was for grades K-5. I walked through the halls, not knowing where to go. I had come in as expected but had no idea where to go or what to do.

I went into a classroom where some high school aged kids were sitting and working on an assignment. It was a history class. A dark haired girl sat across from the others and separate. She was antsy and not able to stay focused. I volunteered to help her work through the questions one by one. She accepted my help. The teacher sat behind the desk and as I was leaving I saw what looked like a dead bug and told him about it. When I looked closer, it was the remains of a brown, dried out Christmas tree.

I looked for my boss but he was busy so I went into the lounge. Inside opened up to this beautiful beach. The ocean went for miles out and the sky was vivid blue. The beach stretched as far as my eyes could see and there were families and children playing in the sand and in the water. To my right I could see mountains in the distance and a carnival set up. To my left was just more beach.

I took pictures of the ocean with my phone but had trouble keeping the people out of the pictures. One little brown haired girl kept getting in the way. Her mother, a pretty blond, sat on the beach and smiled at me. The entire scene made me feel calm and I wanted to stay. I also got a bit confused. Wasn't I just in a school? I woke up after that, most likely because the confusion brought me too quickly to full consciousness.

This dream is likely a reflection of my concerns about returning to work. Not only am I going to be working primarily with younger children but I am not sure of where to go or what to do when I arrive on my first day. Christmas trees are a reflection of my feelings about relationships and family. Since it is dead, it is likely there is anxiety coming to the surface regarding these things. The beach represents a meeting of mental and spiritual energies and a transition between the material and spiritual. Looking out at the ocean and along the beach is representative of the unknown, major changes about to occur in my life. Because I am calm, the beach suggests the next few weeks will also be calm.Unfortunately, the carnival could mean there is deception and that falsehoods exist. It can also indicate that what is thought to be a good thing actually is a bad thing. 

Who Am I? 

When I woke up this morning I was not in a good mood. I sense more difficult lessons ahead for me and I am not looking forward to them. What they will be, I don't know, but I do not feel excited as I should. Instead I want to withdraw and hide. I feel that I could retreat but ultimately I will not feel much better about doing so and that the lessons will occur despite me trying to avoid them.

There exists much hopelessness and lack of motivation inside me. I do not understand it completely but I feel it comes from recognizing that I have come into this life primarily to assist others and that my own, personal goals and aspirations will fall short. It seems to be my nature to want recognition and because of that I will get little to none. Knowing this creates such a loss in me. I do not know how to overcome it. I know I should find my happiness in the successes of others, but I do not. I feel so horribly flawed and guilty about being so selfish. I also know, deep inside, that I am very different than this when not in a body. Why is it so hard to be the real me? 

I recognize my internal conflict on a daily basis. It is the classic "devil on one shoulder, angel on the other" scenario. I know I am not alone in feeling and experiencing this constant struggle with myself, yet I do anyway. A part of me seems out to sabotage everything my true self desires. Ego I guess, but giving it a name matters not. I honestly do not want to live another life like this. I so hope that whatever lessons I came here to learn, I learn well so I don't have to do this again.


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