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Standing Firm

I was able to recall one dream last night, though it was not very vivid. It was another school dream. I often have school themed dreams and have for as long as I can remember. Most of them started after high school graduation. I believe the school theme represents my current and past life lessons and how I am responding to them.

Return to College

In this particular school themed dream I was returning to community college with my older sister. I agreed to go along with her to college, acting as a kind of mother figure to her as she was scared to return. My role felt more like a guide than a sister, similar to a mother holding her daughter's hand as she ventures upon a new, unknown path.

On the first day of class I accompanied my sister to her first class - Sociology. As we sat down, I explained
to her that she would need to edit her schedule to fit her particular degree plan. I told her I had already taken the course and sat next to her in the far corner of the classroom. She questioned the class, asking if she would have to drop the class and I double checked the name of the class on my schedule. It said Sociology B. I told her, "Yes, this is the second part to the class and you will need the first part". I remember hesitating when I saw the name "Sociology B" and looking down a list below the course name. There were several names of classes that could substitute for Sociology B. I saw many classes I had taken in my real undergraduate coursework. One was marriage and family, another was sociology in education. There were many others as well. I remember thinking, "I don't need any of these classes. I have already taken them".

As we sat in the corner of the room we continued to be interrupted by a group of men in the back of the classroom. They were talking and seemed to be "higher ups" such as administrators and other sorts for the school. I believe one of them was a police officer but I am not sure now. They never interacted with us.

For some reason the class ended without us knowing so we scrambled to try and find out what we missed. The instructor had given the students a form to fill out to change or withdraw from the class and so we picked up the forms. I spoke to the lady instructor a bit. She asked me what my degree was and I told her I didn't have one because I had already gotten my Master's degree and being the college was a two year, community college, I would only be taking courses for the fun of it. She asked me what I enjoyed and I said music. She asked my sister and she said, "Art". Then she began telling me the classes I needed for a degree in music. I interrupted her and told her I already had a minor in music and pointed out that I had already taken the classes she mentioned. Convinced I just needed to take a class for "fun", the woman walked me to a choral class. I stayed for a while, watching as each of them got a turn to sing and quickly lost interest. It was a class for beginners and I had already learned what they had learned and knew I would be bored. I left the classroom and went into the hallway.

I walked around the hallways that were covered on one side with windows from floor to ceiling and eventually found my way to a glass door and entry. I walked inside and found myself in a waiting room. I noted that it was a childcare center provided for students who were parents. I walked inside and sat down, watching as they trained a group of new student employees who were soon to be caregivers for the children. I thought about getting a job there but quickly changed my mind. As I got up to walk out I noticed that there was a pile of shoes by the entrance but I still had mine on. I felt guilty for not taking them off but kept them on and left the childcare center.

I then headed back the way I had come in and saw that the halls were empty and it was very quiet. I walked up a carpeted ramp that led back to the entry, looking for my sister. I ran into the lady instructor who I had talked to previously and she told me it was a half day so everyone had left campus early at 1:30pm. She then told me that any changes my sister and I wanted to make to our schedules would have to be done another day. I remember thinking that I would not be going to the college because there was nothing there of any interest to me and if I did take any classes they would be a waste of my time. There was, however, a feeling that if I wanted to, I could stay and teach there.


When I went to bed last night I asked to be shown what to do. I am struggling with the decision about working part-time. I already accepted the position but I am not eager or excited to start back to work in September. A question my guide asked me long ago keeps echoing in my mind: "What would you do differently if you only had 10 years left to live?" But now I am thinking the question is more along the lines of, "What would you do differently if you only had four years left to live?"

Honestly, I do not want to spend the rest of my life working. I am tired of working, tired of waking up at a specific time and being at a specific place and answering to a boss, etc. So the decision seems cut and dry - decline the offer and stay home with my kids. But something is bothering me about it. I keep feeling like I need to justify the decision to not work and nothing I think of makes that nagging feeling go away. 

So my dream seems to be asking me to look at where I am right now. I am obviously not interested in the same old lessons I have been learning in life. The community college and the classes I am reviewing are symbolic of how I feel about the life lessons I am now being presented with - bored and with the consideration that I have already taken and mastered these courses so why take them over again? I am okay with helping my family take these classes, however, as is symbolic of me going there with my sister and helping her understand.

My reaction to the music class symbolizes how I feel about something I once thoroughly enjoyed in this life - singing. I actually even majored in music until I realized I would have to play the piano. I couldn't play the piano for anything. So I gave up on the dream of singing for a living though I still enjoy singing. I remember thinking last night as I fell asleep how in my next life I would likely include music and singing in it because of how much joy it gives me. So the mention of it in my dream is likely a reflection of my thoughts upon falling asleep.

The childcare room also reflects my considerations about childcare and the position of Mother that I have taken upon myself in this life. I am interested at first, contemplating getting a job there while I sit in the waiting room. Then I lose interest and walk out which is how I often react when in a period of waiting because I get impatient. Wearing shoes is symbolic of one's approach to life. I notice that I should have taken mine off when coming into the room but I never took mine off. Since I continue to wear them it suggests that I am firm in my current approach which is that I do not want the tole of childcare provider to be my primary role in life. I feel guilty about it, though, which reflects the guilt I feel in life of not being the unselfish mother I should be. When I saw the shoes by the door I immediately thought that I had broken the rules and so offended the entire place. These feelings are exactly how I feel when I do not do the best I can do for my children, which is how I feel most all the time. 

As the dream concludes I am walking up a ramp. Going upward indicates that I am moving upward in my consciousness. In this case I was close to waking up and I had just been in my subconscious sifting through personal considerations and issues in my life. The woman tells me we can come back later and this message indicates that I do not have to rush and can take my time considering what I choose to do in the time I have left.

Standing Firm

Above all else last night's dream's message is that I am firm in my decision and am not swaying from my original goal - to achieve the sate of Clear and be free of all that impedes my success. No, I do not like to wait. Who does?

My poor son this morning is an excellent example of how difficult it is for us to wait in life. He was asking for a drink of water and I told him, "Wait until Mommy makes lunch". He threw himself onto the floor in apparent agony but then stopped, stood up and asked me point blank, "What is wait?" When I tried to explain it to him he seemed to get it only to end up crying and demanding water within less than a minute.

It is so hard to explain what "wait" means to a 3 year old. Is that how I seem to my guides who seem to be nudging me ever so often to just "wait" and be patient? I am laughing to myself as I know the answer is "Yes".

For Spirit in a body (us) learning to wait and keep our focus on our goals without wavering is so difficult. We forget so quickly what we originally wanted and even the smallest amount of time has us second guessing ourselves. Waiting breeds doubt and it is a big trap. But I have managed to stand firm in my decision, despite all the distractions and the time that has passed. And what better reward than a phone call telling me the doors are open and I can come in any time. I will be boarding a plane on Monday and heading to Flag. I did not purchase a return ticket because I don't honestly know when I will return. I suspect sometime in September, but it will take as long as it takes and I am determined to continue along this path to the end.

As my guide reminded me yesterday, I will not take anything except what I truly want because doing anything else would be failing myself. If I fail myself, I fail my family; I fail my soul group; I fail mankind. 


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