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Death and Renewal


Yesterday I went to see my grandmother in the hospice. The last time I saw her was a couple of days before when she was in the hospital. She had fallen and dislocated her shoulder. Turns out she also had a UTI and fractured her pelvis. On top of that, she suffered a mild heart attack upon admittance to the hospital. When I saw her she was not communicating, only sleeping. She would open her eyes but did not seem to recognize anyone. However, when I got there she opened her eyes and then I watched her eyes follow me across the room. I went over and spoke to her and then we stayed for a visit. My grandmother closed her eyes and did not react but I know she knew I was there. I know she appreciated the visit. When I left I told her goodbye and said, "I'll see you later, either here or there, but I'll see you later".

Last night I felt like she would die today. When I awoke this morning I felt like I wanted to die and I wondered about it. When I did, I heard, "4th" and felt like it was significant. I knew that if my grandmother hadn't died in the night that she would at some point in the day. I got a call a couple of hours later confirming that she passed away this morning. She was 89 years old.


Our house listing went live yesterday. I was told by one of my guides before we listed it that it would sell in 8 days. I told my husband and let it be. Today we have already had three calls and so far two couples have come to look at our house and land. One couple had family living close by and was very interested. There is still another person wanting to see it tonight. Note: I was just told as I was writing this that the couple that was interested has made an offer!

I am a bit overwhelmed today because of how odd this day has been. First, I am told my grandmother has crossed over. Then I am having to answer questions about my house, a house that I wouldn't have if not for my grandparents and the land they gave to my mother who then gave to me. This land has so many great memories. I remember being 12 years old and picking out this house site, though at the time I didn't know I was doing that. It is sad to think of it being owned by someone else but then again I know all of the land will soon be owned by someone else. My mom and her siblings will be selling my grandmother's land soon enough and soon it will also be owned by a stranger.

My voice is cracking when I talk. It started this morning after I got told my grandmother passed away. I will not be surprised if tomorrow I wake up and have no voice. I guess that is the stress? I don't know. I don't lose my voice very often. And what is even stranger is that I don't feel a huge amount of loss or sorrow over my grandmother's passing. I am happy for her. Happy that she gets to be with my grandfather. Happy that she is at peace. And I am a bit jealous that she gets to go and I don't. But I always feel like that when a person crosses over. Lucky them.

My sorrow comes with watching those I love grieve and struggle with life after someone's death. I am empathic and it is so very hard not to pick up their pain especially since I love them so much. I was suppose to do auditing next week but I cancelled it. I know that I will be too preoccupied with the up and coming funeral. I know I will have to be there for my Mom. Thankfully she has her new husband to lean upon.

It is obvious to me that this is a time of great transition in my life. I was reminded today of the swallowtail butterfly who landed on me over a week ago. Another one flew past me gracefully right before the people arrived to look at our house. The butterfly symbolizes metamorphosis, resurrection and new beginnings. I definitely feel this is what is happening in my life and seemingly all at once. The messages keep coming. The intuitive feelings keep coming. Life is about to begin when for so long it has been dormant.


I don't know exactly what my next step is. I don't really care, actually, which is very unusual for me. My dreams have been full of gardens and gardening, water and strange messages about cities and schools I have never been to. I have not had one out of body experience and I am surprised by that, though my dreams are quite vivid. In one dream I was in a garden and pulled a seed out of the ground and tore the roots off of it. Then, realizing what I had done, I grabbed it and put it back into the ground, hoping it would regrow. I salvaged another seed, setting its newly grown roots carefully in the soil. I remember that the seeds were of a flowering tree and I can still see the deep hole in the ground where they were planted.

In another dream I was searching for the town of Lincoln. I remember thinking, Lincoln, Nebraska and being told, "Not that Lincoln" and seeing a town in the Southwest, U.S. somewhere either in Arizona New Mexico. I actually saw a map in the dream but it is not clear to me now. I then heard someone telling me of a school located there called, "Anderson". I never looked up if a city of Lincoln exists in the Southwest or if it has an Anderson school. Perhaps the town and school are significant in some way? Perhaps not?

I know that the way this cycle works is simple: death, metamorphosis, rebirth. This is the cycle of the butterfly. The change that is coming will result in something different, something beautiful. I don't feel like fighting it, which is a good thing, it means I am ready. I also know that I will know what to do and when to do it when the time comes. I just need to trust and listen. Easy, right?