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Motives

Why do you do the things you do? Why do you make the choices you make in life? What motivates you?

These questions were asked of me this morning as I awakened from a dream about a past decision I made.

A Child Given Away

In the dream I was at a doctor's office filling out paperwork with my ex-husband. My ex was the one filling out the paperwork and I remember him asking me how to answer the questions. What was odd about this dream was that he was filling out paperwork for a child that we never had together. A son who, apparently, we had allowed another couple to raise as their own. They also had a child who was my ex's from another relationship. Another boy who was not more than a year older than the other boy.

Since he was the one doing all the writing, I found myself immersed in memories of my past with him, especially my time in the mountains and all the miserable cold weather I endured. In one memory I was standing at a sink in a restroom cleaning baby bottles. I was muddling through my thoughts while going through the familiar motions of cleaning bottles when I came upon one that was very old and rotten, the milk inside so nasty it clung to the side of the bottle when I tried to clean it, thick and smelly. It was when I was cleaning this disgusting bottle that I realized something: I did not want to marry him.

In the dream the realization came to me and hit me hard; the weight of it sinking in my stomach like a distasteful piece of food I couldn't, wouldn't digest.

Then the dream continued in the doctor's office. I recognized that the signature line was not meant for either of us to sign. My ex scribbled three smiley faces in the space and asked me if he should sign. I told him "No. This paper is giving the doctors permission to treat our child. This means that we are still his parents." I then considered how I could have give away my child (I had no memory of it) and wondered if his adoptive parents were treating him well. What if they beat him? Spanked him? Made him feel like he was nothing? These thoughts bothered me and I pushed them out of my mind. Yet I saw in my mind the parents. They were young and dark haired. The mother was chubby and irritated, snapping at her children (she had both boys) and just not a pleasant person. I shuddered and let it go. There was nothing I could do now.

Then three young people approached me and sat down around me. There was a woman with streaks of bright color in her hair and two young men. The woman did the talking, trying to get close to me and get to know me. When I questioned her motives she said, "I just want to be friendly. Is there anything wrong with that?" I looked at my ex who gave me an eyebrow raise. I stayed cautious but friendly.

When the young people left I was suspicious. My purse was right there near them. What if they were thieves conning me out of my money? I told the women what I thought as she left and she assured me she was not a bad person. As soon as they went down the stairs I checked my purse. The money was there - relief. But my credit cards were all gone.

I panicked and told my ex I intended to follow them. He told me not to; I would never catch them. I didn't listen and rushed down the stairs but as I did I thought, "What's the point? I can call up my credit card companies and cancel all the cards. I can do that right now". So stopped and that's what I did. I got out my phone to call but my pin to unlock my phone would not work. Frustrated after several failed attempts I went back up the stairs to find my ex. When I got to the top the place where we had just been, the doctor's office, was now an empty building for rent. I was at a loss and didn't know what to do.

That is when I woke up.

Motives

When I awoke my guide was close by. The night before he was as well, insisting that I heal my body and that
when I did this he would come closer and there would be more help. Last night he again appeared to me with his arms crossed, like a disapproving parent. He still appeared this way when I awoke.

He spoke bluntly, "You did not want to marry him". I signed and replied, "No, I didn't". I didn't want to start my morning remembering a bad, past decision. Well, not all bad, but really not one of my best.

Why did I marry my ex? Fear. I had a few of them at the time. Now, I was only 19 years old, so who can blame me? Some of my fears were stupid now that I think back on them. I was afraid to be alone. That was the top fear. And now I only wish I could find time alone! I love being alone! Another reason was that I really did not know what to do with myself; my life. He offered security and I knew, intuitively, that if I married him I would have everything I wanted - security, companionship, adventure. So despite much apprehension and misgiving, I married him.

That was 8 years lost. 8 years it took me to realize my stupidity. 8 years of mostly suffering. All because of fear.

And the sad thing is, I wasted his life, too, and led him to believe I loved him like he loved me. When he would ask me if I loved him, which he not surprisingly did often, I would tell him I did, but most every time I knew I was lying. I did love him, but like a friend, not as he deserved. It took me a very long time to recognize this, though. The confusion and inexperience I carried with me back then was not at all lessened by the amount of fear that existed within me.

And now my guide is asking me to consider my motives again. Eek!

Dream Interpretation

Children in a dream represent an aspect of the Self. In this case my dream involves me giving away this aspect of myself. This suggests I have lost hope and want to give up. Yet, later, I tell my ex not to sign his name which suggests I am struggling to maintain hope. Yet this child in the dream could represent a part of me that I have forgotten or chosen to forget. I worried about this child and felt powerless. This is also how I often feel about my life.


The fact that my credit cards are stolen indicates that something or someone is robbing me of vital energy. Perhaps this thing robbing me of energy is my fear or it could be that I have attention still on my past because when I return to the doctor's office it is gone along with my ex, as if they had never been there.

The feeling of not knowing what to do remained with me as I awoke. I still feel it.

Song 

When I awoke, one line in a song was repeating in my head (Imogen Heap, Wait it Out): Are we just going to wait it out? That is so often what I decide to do. When I can't figure out what to do, I just wait. I let life continue as it is rather than make a change. I have been doing that my whole life. Lately I do it because I don't see the point.....no, really I'm afraid. I didn't leave my ex for 8 years. 8 YEARS it took me to leave and then, I didn't leave until I was awakened by a booming voice telling me to! It makes me wonder if I am in a similar situation now? No. Not similar. I love my husband. I didn't love my ex. I love my children. I had none with my ex. I love my home. I hated it then. The stakes are much higher now. The decision I need to make can't be to leave them. There must be more. But what? What does my guide wish me to see?


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