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Water Rat

I'm back to work today. So far I am not feeling any negativity and am doing alright. I thought it would be difficult for me to resume my old schedule since I have been enjoying getting so much sleep and having so much freedom, but it has not been that much of a change. I am feeling pretty upbeat, which is surprising, or maybe not considering the events of this last week.

Car Accident

On Friday while my me and my family were driving into town we got rear-ended on the interstate. My husband was driving and had to stop suddenly in the fast lane to avoid a driver who had a blow out. He stopped well enough to avoid hitting the car. I closed my eyes as he stopped and said, "I hope we don't get hit from behind". Within seconds of me saying that we did get hit. It was not a very hard hit but it scared my daughter and she started to cry. I turned around and saw she was okay. My son, who had been asleep when we got hit, grumbled a bit and then went back to sleep. I knew we had not been hit that hard and helped my daughter calm down by having her describe to me what she experienced. When I looked behind me I saw three cars and later discovered that the guy who hit us was pushed into us by the guy behind him which was why the hit was not that hard. No one was injured in any of the vehicles. Considering it all happened in the fast lane where people drive the fastest, I am surprised the accident was so minor.

Strangely, after the accident I felt very happy and light. I did experience some mild contractions afterward but I laid down in the back of the car for a while and felt baby kicking happily so I knew it was okay. As I continued to feel so good I wondered if the accident had in fact pushed me to a realization. I felt victorious after the accident, like I had overcome a huge obstacle. I still feel good about it. Perhaps it was a sign of better things to come; a message that sometimes things seem way worse than they are. That is how I have been perceiving my life so maybe things are not as bad as they seem and in the end success can be had?

Interview Update

I thought I had made up my mind to skip my interview tomorrow but my husband convinced me to give it a try. I really have nothing to lose and if I don't allow myself to be let down by bad news, but go in without expectation, then it should be fine no matter the outcome. I even had a dream last night about how I was late for my interview and realized that I had not prepared for it as I should have. It is funny to me how my dreams often reflect my feelings so well. I have not prepared for the interview yet and am not motivated to do so. I will today when I find the time, though.

Back to School and Water Rat

I had another dream of returning to high school last night. I have these dreams ever so often. Sometimes I return to elementary, other time high school. Always I am grown and feel out of place or as if something is not right. This time, however, I seemed happy to return.

In the dream I was taking my kids to their first day of school. I then went and reported to the high school and was late for my first Freshman class. I recall that I was happy to be late because I would miss my least favorite classes but unfortunately I ended up in the class - math class. When I entered the class I slipped and stumbled. I was a bit embarrassed but not really and just laughed at myself. The class all but ignored me, though, and I sat in a seat offered to me by a young girl who seemed to know me.

I recall that I was getting prepared to go to another class - PE. When I went I made sure to be wearing the right clothing and recall seeing one of the girls I went to school with in real life. She and I did not get along well and during this part of the dream I spoke with her and she told me that she always thought I had it well in life and that she compared herself to me and saw so much lacking. We got into communication and there were no ill feelings. Then I went to class and remarked to the teacher that she should have a helper - the class was too big for her. On my way out of class I recall the teacher had pet rats, water rats, in a cage. They were soaking wet in water and kind of gross as she picked one up. I was set at that time to tell everyone my secret: I was older than I looked and had already graduated.

I went with my kids and husband to the office. They were holding some kind of event where students could sign up to be part of school groups like Honor Society. It reminded me somewhat of college fraternities/sororities. I went up to a man and revealed my secret by saying, "What would you do if you found out a student had already graduated?" He mentioned that as long as they were in sports he wouldn't care. I then happily revealed my secret and my husband picked me up and twirled me around. I felt so happy and I bragged about my kids. The other students were in awe and I felt special.

We went outside and I was introduced to a man. He was Hispanic and had shoulder-length, black hair. He looked to be around 40. He was also pretending to be a student. His appearance was similar to that of the late 80's and I studied him closely. His skin was tan and wrinkled, like someone who had spent many hours in the sun. He smiled and looked so happy and was easy to talk to. He told me how he had been an Olympic Tennis champion and as he told me his story I saw his experience as if I were there. He was on a doubles team and won the last match by hitting a ball past the other teams players. He then showed me a statue of himself erected at the school. I remarked that I didn't know the school had any sports stars. It was obvious to me why he was there and I said, "So you like it here". He said yes and then asked me, "Why are you here?" I thought about it a bit and said, "I feel free here". Then my alarm went off and the dream did not disappear but seemed to stay with me. I could still see the man and hear myself tell him how I felt free. It seemed appropriate.

Interpretation

As I reflect on the dream I am pleased by the overall feel. I have often wondered why I return to past school environments. I never once considered it might be because of the way it made me feel - free. To be free of life's responsibilities, told what to do and have a predictable routine. To be young and happy and without the worries I have now. It was a nice feeling and it stayed with me as I awoke.

As I contemplated the dream and the feeling it left me with, I was reminded of a feeling I had the day before. It came as a realization as well as a feeling. First, I felt freed from life's troubles, as if I could do anything and would succeed. I pushed the feeling away at first and was gloomy but felt pushed to be productive and to "stop it". So I went for a walk and let my mind empty. I slowly began to feel a familiar feeling: joy. It was small at first, just a spark and I, of course, pushed it away. It seemed out of place. I am suppose to serious, to be "responsible" and that means being glum, right? No. Oops! When I pushed that thought away the joy feeling returned and with it came hope. I then had the idea that this was the perfect time for new beginnings. It is a new year and I have a chance to start over, to begin a new and in a way never before experienced. With most, if not all, my past sins and transgressions on others cleared up in my week-and-a-half of auditing it made sense to me. I can hold back my cynicism and negative thoughts/comments. I can smile and greet people effusively, grant them beingness and let them know they have a positive affect on me and are needed. I recall doing this in high school one year as a test. It worked wonderfully. I realized I could do it again. It wasn't hard at all.

The rat symbolizes the feelings of doubt, greed, guilt, unworthiness and envy. He represents all those things in life in which we are ashamed. In my dream there were two of them and they were living in water, drenched and repulsive to me. I looked at them closely and watched as they returned to the water happily. They lived in a large cage. I left them there, as if I acknowledged what they meant and was "done" with them. I believe this part of the dream represents what I have been doing in auditing perfectly. It is true that those things we regret can eat us up inside. They hold with them large amounts of emotion (water) and in order to handle the regret and accompanying emotion, one must confront what they have done and take responsibility for it. Only then can the emotion be released and no longer trap us.

Cleansing

Taking this dream and all that has happened to me in the last week or so I am hopeful. The other day I awoke feeling that I needed to "clean" or "cleanse". I believe I have been doing so and that my energy has changed as a result. In session on Saturday I felt the energy of change. It was hot and cold at the same time, similar to how it feels in my hands when I am giving intense healing to someone. This energy was all over my body, though. It felt hot but not uncomfortably so. My whole body got warm, I could feel the tension leaving my body and then it felt like two cold hands were on my arms, as if holding me still. I then recalled a past life that I am very familiar with. It is one I do not like to confront. In it I killed many, many people. I also lost my mind, so when I recall it I feel as if I will lose my mind all over again. I believe I needed to recall this life because it helped me better understand the karmic cycle. When I finished recounting that life and reliving the memory of it I felt lighter and recognized just how hard I had been trying to clear that life from my being. I believe the cleansing is not complete but I do notice a difference. To have again the hope that things will get better and to feel life is not all doom and gloom is a wonderful thing. I am grateful that I have time now. Now I understand why my guide said, "You have time". He is right. Of course. :)


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