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My auditing is ongoing. I do not know how close I am to finishing but I am running out of time. I only have today and the weekend before my vacation ends and I have to return to work. I am feeling anxious and depressed about having to return to work, especially since I have not made any progress towards my goal of obtaining a new job. I had hoped that my auditing would bring clarity to my life problems; help me be more sure about what I want to do and future plans. So far it is not doing this. I am, however, feeling lighter and less burdened by past regrets and wrong-doings, which is the focus for this intensive process.

Dream Filled Night

I slept very hard and deep last night and had a vivid procession of dreams that were all inter-connected. I am not going to go into great detail in recounting them but I do want to summarize the entire dream sequence since it was so easy to remember and had some strong symbolism.

Court Summons

The first part of the dream involved me going to a party. I recall that I felt uneasy about the party as the people at the party were doing drugs, drinking and known criminals. At first it seemed that I was an undercover police officer but as the dream continued I got more and more caught up in the party scene and felt more and more like a criminal than an officer. I recall being held prisoner and being made to do things, specifically food was withheld from me and my actions were scrutinized by my male captors. When I was able to escape I recall looking at street signs to try and remember the location where I had been held. I recall being told that the street was not a known one and that it would be hard to find later on because the house was located on a an ally or side road.

When I returned home I had a summons to go to court on June 30. I remember the date and saying it, wondering what I was going to do. I recall talking to someone and defending my actions.

Old Friend

The dream then ended and a new one began. In this one I was at a house, similar to the one in the previous dream. There was me along with a couple of other people. We were sent into the room and given paint to paint water heaters. The paint was in a long cylinder and the colors were vivid blue and another color, I want to say it was a lime green or some similar bright color. My focus was on the blue color, though. I recall thinking it odd that we were going to be painting the water heaters. They actually looked like very large propane containers. I saw them painted blue but never actually painted them.

There was this large, obese man who seemed very familiar to me. He actually reminded me of someone I knew when I lived in North Texas. His hair was long and he was middle aged. He was so fat he was repulsive to me but I did not notice it in the dream. I went up to him and wrapped my arms around him. He was so tall that I could not see his face but I knew him nonetheless. I then reached up and gave him a big kiss.

I stayed with him and the dream morphed into a trip into the mountains. I recall feeling very free and talking to this man as we approached huge mountains. I saw them changed from spring to winter, the snow making them appear bluish. I flew along the tops of the mountains on a trip somewhere. There was no road and the man showed me how to make one by plowing out grooves in the snow with my fingers. It was like we were as large as Gods as we swept along the ridges, putting three fingers into the deep snow making trails.

We stopped at a cabin and I left. When I was gone, the man was called to help on some rescue. Someone had been lost in the snowy mountains. I saw him grab his gear and he put a tiny, black and white bunny on the end of what appeared to be a walking pole. The bunny was stuffed and I remember thinking it odd that he would use a stuffed bunny. The story then continued that he left but was lost and died on his mission. I did not see the event, just heard it as a tale being told to me. I then woke up with my guide close by.


When I awoke I was immediately preoccupied by what to do in the coming weeks. I have a job interview on Tuesday but do not feel like going to it. I feel it is of no use; that I will not get it as there is another path for me, one I am not completely familiar with. John asked me then, "Do you not remember what we spoke about?" I didn't. I got upset and asked him why it was not easier for me to remember. He told me I could. I tried and I asked for help in merging the two parts of myself - my conscious and subconscious. It did not seem to occur and I gave up.

John then said to me, "Slow down". I was puzzled. I heard this before from him but shrugged it off. I asked him, "Physically?" He replied, "Yes". I was fine with that but I knew it would be difficult for me. I enjoy exercise and have been pushing my body in an attempt to help ease my mind. It works well for me. It is my relief. But if I have to slow down, then what? I know my body has been telling me to slow down on my workouts. I hate to slow down but I must. Sigh.


Back to my dilemma about this upcoming interview. To go to this interview means that I will likely have to take a half day off of work. The interview time is 3pm and it is an hour long drive to the location. I may be able to get to leave work early, but am not sure if I will be able to. Then there is the feeling that it won't matter. The job is likely not going to mine. I can feel it. It is the same feeling I had with my last interview. Can I handle more disappointment? And then their is this nagging feeling of knowing that it is meant to be so. I resist that feeling, though, mainly because I am unsure what the alternative path really is.

When my husband's bosses died this last year they left a couple of duplexes to their daughters. One of the daughters asked us if we would consider living in it rent free in exchange for fixing it up. My husband is a plumber and a jack of all trades when it comes to construction, so quite capable. It seems to me like this is a kind of message to me from the universe that perhaps it would not be a bad thing for us to sell the house and stay in the duplex. We could then save our money and I could stay at home without any worries about making ends meet. The place is not a bad place and there will be ample room for us to live as a family of five. If everything falls into place as we have planned (plan B as I call it), then it would be perfect. It makes me wonder if that is the path that I feel is already paved and waiting for us.

Right now I am thinking it best to cancel the interview and stop looking for work. I am tired on so many levels. Mainly, though, I am tired of fighting and trying to push my life into a certain mold, one that I feel I should be living. But honestly, I don't know what will make me happiest and have asked for that path to be presented. It seems to be coming into focus. I guess the message of "go with the flow" is finally sinking in. If I don't want to bother with interviewing, then why do it?

So much to consider as I leave for my next auditing session. I will continue to pray for clarity and guidance.