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For the past two nights I have had trouble falling to sleep. I am not sure why. I feel wide awake and restless. Then, when I fall asleep, I have vivid dreams but they never end up lucid and I don't astral. The dreams I am having seem to be meant to teach/inform me of things I need to work on in life. Last night's dream was completely focused on my lack of desire to be a part of groups.

The Dream

In my dream last night I was married to an older man who was very large and not very attractive. He was very nice, though, and kind to me. The way he was dressed and the way he looked overall reminded me of someone from Medieval times. He was very hairy as well and the hair on his head was long and he had a beard.

We were in what appeared to be a circular home that had a river running through it. I recall that I had refused to have children with him because of the responsibilities that went along with it. I liked being able to do as I pleased and enjoyed my position in the family. At one point, however, I believe that my husband fell ill and was soon to die. I recall getting worried that I had waited too long to have children and had told him that I was ready to work on our family now intending to have six children in a short period of time. When I pushed him to get started on a family (sex) he turned me down. Instead, he brought a baby from somewhere and told me I was to take care of it. It was not my baby and was dressed in a cloth diaper. I got very upset and told him I did not want to care for another woman's baby. He basically told me I had no choice and his exhaustion/sickness caused him to have to leave for the time being.

As I watched the baby I suddenly got the urge to garden. There were patches of barren earth along a path around the center of the circular dwelling we lived in (it was a HUGE place). I went around scooping up dark black earth and putting it in the holes intending to garden them when I finished. When I was done scooping earth I asked what to plant. My husband told me what kind of plant and presented me with two seedlings. I was told to plant them tend inches apart. I realized I would not be able to plant more than one in each section. I recall that they would turn into trees.

At one point there was a threat of attack by a rival group. I remember trying to keep them out and stabbing a woman in the chest with a sword. I also remember taking half eaten very ripe avocados from a tree. The entire time I was talking to my husband and he was sharing knowledge with me about my lack of desire to help the group. I remember hearing that our group had once lived in Aurora, Colorado, but it made no sense to me in the dream. I did not question it, though, since it was being told to me by my husband. I remember learning about how the group we were a part of worked together to survive and being urged to participate.

At this point I woke up and the first thing I thought of was "groups". I remember hearing my guide affirm what I was thinking. I thought to him, "But I don't like groups. They are flawed and they are a lot of work". Just thinking about it made me tired! He reminded me that my family was a group, that I could do well in a group and that I was now waiting for a member of that group. I understood this and remembered another dream where he had told me that I was waiting until this Spring for a member of my group. I now understood that this member was my new baby, my son. I was not pleased to have this confirmed and grumbled some. He said, "You want to help the group". I recognized this to be true and begrudgingly acknowledge him. Note - I honestly only remember having dreams where I spoke with a guide in some depth about having another child and my children's future. These dreams are in my other blog posts from this past summer.

Then I began to think of groups larger than the family group and how I did not participate much with those groups. I recognized the importance of the group and how my husband considers groups outside the family group as his "extended family". His "family" is huge in my opinion! The member not only include us, but friends, coworkers, members of his religion and ultimately, mankind. He is good at being in groups, he even loves it. I, on the other hand, shy away from them and feel overwhelmed by too many people in one place. I feel their expectations and grow tired of the small talk. My husband tells me, "Aren't you interested in learning more about them? You have to want to know them". I explain to him that that's my problem. I don't want to know. To know equals responsibility to them; to care about them which in turn means I will feel obligated to do/say/act a certain way around them. I have trouble enough doing that for my family!


The 8 Dynamics

This dream and my conversation with my guide reminded me of the eight dynamics in Scientology. The first dynamic, the individual, is the efforts of the individual to survive for his/her self. The second is the urge to survive via the family unit and involves creativity. The third is the urge to survive through a group. The fourth is the urge to survive as a part of mankind. The fifth is the urge to survive for all lifeforms. The sixth is the urge to survive as part of the universe. The seventh is the urge towards existence as a spiritual being. And the eighth is the urge towards existence as infinity.

The first four dynamics are the ones most of us are concerned with. The way I see them, they are connected to the first four chakras. The other four dynamics go along with the rest of the chakras. For me, I struggle with the third and fourth dynamics. I do participate in groups, but only because I have to in order to survive. I recognize that I must participate in groups, and so I do, but most of the time it is warily. I find that groups tend to contain many members who are mindless followers. These people become part of the group for the security it offers and then they do as everyone else in an attempt to not be alienated from the group for being different. I find that my personality does not go well with groups. I tend to speak my mind and it often rubs people the wrong way. I am also a leader and not a follower and to be a follower often makes me resentful and usually I end up speaking my mind and being shunned by the group.

I find that my overall opinion of mankind is not good, so I do not have much affinity for the fourth dynamic. I understand that I am part of the group that is man but I do not like it. I notice that in many of my dreams/astral experiences that my higher self willingly is a part of groups and of mankind. So, I know that my ego is what puts up the barriers that I find myself presented with.

Baby Steps

Strangely, there is a part of me that very much desires to be a part of a group. When I do not feel welcome in a group or feel shunned for whatever reason I get my feelings hurt. When this happens I withdraw even more. Yet I have had times in my life when I did well in a group and found myself very fulfilled. Well, it really only happened one time and I was the leader of that group. Perhaps for me I need to be the leader or to hold a leadership-type position? Yet I have this feeling that people don't like me. How does one get past that?

I feel that this life is to help me slowly get comfortable with groups. In order to keep my marriage and family together, I must make sacrifices which means I will have to extend myself to others who I normally would not. My guide was so absolutely correct when he showed me that list of seven things in one of my most recent OBEs. It read, "Socially lazy". So very true! It is not that I can't be social and involved with groups, it is that I do not want to do all that it takes to be a good, productive member of a group.

I think my new job may be a baby step I am about to take. The group of individuals I will be working with only numbers 16. I will be in a leadership position with this job. This will be the first time I have ever been in a leadership position at work. In fact, I will be working very closely with the boss. Will I be able to handle the responsibility that comes with this job? Strangely, I think I will.

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