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I was awakened at 5:30am by my husband. I was not happy about it. Then I got a call not long after telling me to not come to work. This was good news because I was going to go in today. So I got a free day off! But so did my children. So today the entire family is home because of icy roads and cold weather and, well, I won't be getting anymore sleep.

Irritated about being woken up early I laid in bed for a while trying to get rid of the feeling, but I couldn't. I tried to relax. I tried to meditate but I kept feeling angry. Angry at my husband for waking me up. Angry that I had to wake up at all.

The anger was eventually replaced with sadness and apathy. Again the thought that I really didn't have much purpose for the rest of my life came into my mind. I really feel done with life. Why am I still here?

Of course, my guide had to make himself known at this time. "You still have time" was again repeated. Hearing this I did not feel grateful. Instead I wanted to know how much time. The date 2032 popped into my mind. I asked, "When?" I heard, "November".

I understood this date to mean the end of my life or at least the beginning of the end of it. Perhaps I would get sick or maybe I would die suddenly in a car accident? Of course, I already have an idea of how I will die. I know it will involve kidney failure. I have known that a long time.

I tried to do the math in my mind and came up with an age in my 40s. It didn't seem right so I just accepted it and was happy to know that there was an end to this coming at some point, even if it was far off in the future. Later, when I got out the calculator, I realized it is 18 years from now. Just enough time for my youngest to graduate high school. Interesting. Since having children I decided that I wanted to be alive long enough to see them grown and graduated from high school. That would be good enough for me. Now that I am having another one that means at least 18 more years. So 2032 would be around that time.

I tried to fall back to sleep but still couldn't. As I tried to clear my mind I couldn't help but wonder if maybe I could get out of this life sooner. Thinking about it brought more information, information I was not necessarily looking for. I heard, "Fall" and instantly knew that I would fall down at some point while I was pregnant. As I considered it, I knew it was not a bad fall and that it would not hurt me or the baby. Scenarios played out in my mind, though. When would this happen? and Where? One scenario that I hoped would be the scenario was that I fall while at work because of something someone else did. I thought about how there is a policy in place where if an employee gets attacked or assaulted on the job they can take assault leave. It is paid and can go on for months. That would be nice, I thought.

Whether the date 2032 is really the year I will leave this life or not is yet to be known. All I can do now is write it down in order to remember it for later. 18 years is a long way away and I will likely forget the date as my life gets more hectic, productive or crazy or just as I get older. As for the fall, I don't know if that was a real premonition or just me hoping for something to happen that would mix things up for me. If I were attacked at work and got assault leave it would be a pretty awesome thing. Not only would I be paid while I was off, but I would retain my insurance. And maybe, just maybe it would force an investigation into the completely messed up system in which I work.

As for how I have been feeling lately, I had hoped that I would be feeling better after getting a new job and going through over a week of auditing. I guess there is just something about me that is broken. Maybe it can never be fixed. I don't like being in a body or dealing with life issues. I feel that my guides are mostly just trying to get me to hang on most days. Something tells me that coming into this life was not something I was really excited about to begin with. Considering I was murdered in my last life when I was still a young child and the life previous to that was very difficult as well, I am surprised I came into this life at all. I seem to be a glutton for punishment. Yes this life is much easier than the last four I have lived but it has its own challenges. The biggest of them all is boredom and purposelessness. I didn't plan out as many details of this life on purpose and find that I am really not so good at creating exciting and new things. Instead I cling to that which is safe and the more I do so the less happy I am. How to get out of this predicament? I don't know. I want to but every fiber of my being warns me against hasty and/or spur of the moment decisions. It is as if the real me, my higher Self, came into this life to take a breather/break and the other part of me, the Ego, is very grumpy about this.

2032 can't come soon enough. My idea of a "breather" is to be back Home. Not here.


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