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Dates and Dreams

I've been really emotional the last couple of days. Last night I cried a couple of times from just feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. This morning I cried from feeling the same because of an issue at work. I have this happen every pregnancy. It comes in waves. I always hate it because I can't seem to control the tears no matter how hard I try and any negative situation or letdown seems to trigger an emotional breakdown.

It doesn't help that the last couple of nights I have had trouble falling asleep. It is like my body isn't tired like it use to be. It took me over 2 hours to fall asleep last night. I just laid awake looking at the wall and not thinking very much with baby kicking away in my tummy. I tried to feel a connection with the baby, but I can't seem to connect. I wondered about this. With my other two I knew their personalities before they were born. I accurately predicted my daughter's feminine disposition - how she loves to wear dresses, go shopping, paint her nails and just be girlie. I also predicted her personality - how she is a perfectionist and gets very upset if she feels she has done anything wrong. As for my son, I knew he would be a joyful little boy with a big heart, full of love and hugs. He is a mediator of sorts and very intelligent. I had a strong connection with him from the minute I conceived. Who is this little being inside me? What will he be like? I have no idea at this point. Maybe later I will get a feeling. Maybe.

December 18

Today is the date I received the other day. So far it has been not so good. I had an issue at work. To put it simply, it felt like everyone was judging me and disagreeing with my stubborn refusal to put myself or my baby in harm's way. But I will not put myself in that position and because I stayed firm, I was successful. Yet I felt overwhelmed from feeling their emotion. I didn't know if it was directed at me or the situation or someone else.

The rest of the day is yet to come. Who knows what will result. Who knows if the date is significant at all. It could be that the number 18 was more the focus than the date itself. The 1 indicates new beginnings; a fresh start. The number 8 indicates abundance and good fortune. It would be nice to think both these things were to come today, but my heart just is not into believing it right now.

July 21

Speaking of dates, I got a date in my dream last night. The dream was odd and I only remember the very middle of it.

We were in an auditorium. I was sitting next to a man. He had brown hair and seemed pretty young. For some reason I knew we were to be married, but it was like he was a stranger to me. I did not know him and felt uncomfortable with the idea of marrying him. It was like I was trying to remember the real me and since I couldn't, the whole scene felt wrong. So I just played along.

The auditorium was dark and I could see the backs of the upholstered chairs of the row in front of our row. They were a deep burgundy color. We were sitting near the outer edge of our row. I was in the seat near the isle and the man was sitting next to me.

A man was announcing something from the front of the room but I do not recall ever seeing him. People were raising their hands when called and I remember that it felt like a roll call in a way. Suddenly, the young man next to me who I was to marry perked up. I realized the announcer had called a date, his birthday. The day was July 21. I turned to him and said, "That's your birthday!" Then I said, "The summer solstice is a good day to be born". He smiled and agreed with me.

I still remember feeling uncomfortable standing next to him and he seemed to want to hug me or move in close. I stiffened. Who was this man?

The questioning woke me up and I could still hear the date in my head as I opened my eyes. It was almost 5am and I had been dreaming. Realizing this, I recalled saying that July 21st was the summer solstice. I knew this was all wrong. June 21st is the solstice, not July. Weird. But I know the date I heard and it was July 21st. I pondered on what it could mean, but all I could get was that it might be a significant date for me to remember.

Auditoriums and Weddings

After recalling this dream, I recognized a theme that has been emerging in my dreams over the last six months to a year. I either find myself in a large warehouse or auditorium or I am in a wedding or preparing for one.

Auditoriums - To be in an auditorium suggests that there is something I need to learn from others.

Warehouse - It can symbolize stored energy or hidden resources. It can also mean that one is putting their own goals and desires on hold.

Wedding - Overall, a wedding indicates new beginnings. In this particular dream I am being wed to someone I do not know. This indicates that I am attempting to merge two aspects of myself - the masculine and feminine or the emotional and aggressive. It can also indicate a merging of two parts of the self is occurring.

Overall, the symbolism is encouraging. I am not very happy about "learning from others", but I know this goes on throughout life. One cannot come into contact with another person without taking something with them from the encounter. I am likely learning a great deal from my work and family relationships right now.

In considering what I am learning from work, I know that patience is a huge lesson I am learning. I am also learning to trust and develop and be a part of group cohesiveness. This year the group of people I work with are much more open and agreeable than last year. It has been nice to not have conflict but rather to have cooperation. The patience lessons comes from waiting for my goals to materialize, whenever that might be.

I have no doubt that I am learning a great deal from my family relationships right now. My marriage is in a very precarious position right now. I feel like we teeter-tooter between remaining together and falling into disarray and ultimately dissolution. I am struggling to get a grip on my feelings. I know that I love my husband, but no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to feel the love I need to feel for him. I know it is there, but it is hidden under so much anger and resentment that the love is smothered. I feel unable to breathe it in like I should. It is not fair to my husband or my kids.

I also know that my sister is teaching me an abundance of lessons. One I have learned already is that those closest to you can be the biggest strangers to you. I don't know who my sister is. I also don't like her. I am surprised by my lack of concern about the destruction of our relationship. When I look within about my considerations about sibling relationships, I realize that I feel no responsibility towards either of my sisters when it comes to the decisions they make in their lives. They can be who they want to be, good or bad. I am sad when they do things that are destructive and I will try to help, but if they refuse my help then I am fine to let them learn their lesson.

As for the wedding symbolism, it seems that there is a new beginning awaiting me as well as a merging of two aspects of myself. This I welcome but feel is taking its sweet time. Patience. Oh well, guess patience is an on-going lesson in my life.

Marrying My Father

I just remember another dream I had last night, but only faintly. In the dream I was talking to my sister. She was desperate, which tends to be the most frequent state she is in. She was asking me to not cash the checks she gave me because she did not have enough money in her account. I saw in my mind quite a few checks of a significant amount and how they went through and nearly emptied her account. In her desperation she threatened to marry our father. I told her, "Go ahead". I recall thinking marrying our father was absurd, but that it followed along very well with her decisions lately. And then I remembered that our father is dead. Yet she seemed to think this was her only option. She tried to make me feel responsible, but I didn't. I just felt sorry for her and perplexed at her desperation.

I am sure there was more to this dream but I don't remember it now. All I remember is thinking how absurd it was for my sister to say she was going to marry our father. Then, upon recognizing that she could not marry someone who was dead, I wondered what it might mean. Does it mean that her solution to life's problems was to end her life? To in fact "marry" our father by following him to the grave? I wonder about this possibility because the dream reminded me of how my father, who rarely comes to me in my dreams or astral, came to me that last time to warn me about my sister. Now this was a long time ago, before she began acting so strangely, but I saw my father in this dream for a brief moment and it makes me wonder if he visited again. I was so tired that I may have missed his presence and message as it was originally delivered.

Overall, my dreams last night mixed with the events of today have me a bit quizzical. As I try to put together the puzzle of last night's dreams I am left with the only conclusion I can draw: my sister will be entering into a very tumultuous period in approximately six months time. Perhaps she will call on me to help and I will not be willing to give in to her guilt-tripping and propitiation. Will she threaten suicide again? Will she attempt it, even? Whatever the result, I truly hope that I am in a position to handle whatever her decision. I am sure I will be.

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