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I again had messages given to me in my dreams - two. This time I remember the dreams fairly well and feel I need to write them down and reflect upon them. Doing his helps me better understand what is going on with me and gives me time to consciously digest everything.

A Shower with no Privacy

In the dream that was most vivid, I recall meeting up with my ex-husband. We were in a house. I recall that this was his house, not mine, and it was particularly messy, dingy and dark. The walls were brownish yellow in color and there were clothes and items scattered about. I met up with my ex who was happy to see me and talking to me about his life. He had a girlfriend and was doing well, though he missed me very much. He seemed to be a little too desperate to have me stay. This made me uncomfortable. I recall that I was suppose to stay the night and was fine with that. I wanted to be a good house guest and not hurt his feelings. He was/is particularly sensitive.

I was shown my room. In the middle of the room was a bed with a white, down comforter on it. However, it was covered with clothing. My ex pushed it aside and lay down upon it lengthwise. We spoke for a while and I felt his interest in me. He propositioned me and I recall considering it and then thinking it was not a good idea because I remembered my husband and family and because I just didn't want to. So, he left and I prepared to take a shower. I recall that the walls were made of brown wood paneling and the light was dim. I found the bathroom to be cramped and the shower was one of those standing showers. The bathroom had two doors - one to the outside and one to the bedroom. I felt uneasy, as if my ex was going to try and make sexual advances towards me, so I went to the outside door and tried to lock it. What I found was that the door was too small for the door frame and there was no way to lock it. This really upset me because I knew there was no way to keep him out. So I put the door so that it looked closed and went to check the other door. This door was one of those doors that opened on the top and the bottom; there were two sections in other words. The bottom section could lock but the top was missing. Doubly upset at the lack of privacy, I undressed and got into the shower, closing the white curtain and making sure to keep my back to it.

Sure enough, while I was showering my ex entered the bathroom and came into the shower. He put his arms around my naked (and pregnant) body and hugged me. Even now I can feel him - so warm and real with his arms around me. I stiffened and told him I was not interested and that it made me uncomfortable. He hugged a bit longer and let go.

The dream stopped there and I became suddenly lucid. In that moment I heard my guide say, "He still loves you". I said back to him, "I know" and I was sad.

The dream continued after I heard my guide. I instinctively knew that my ex-husband in the dream was in fact being "played" by my guide. He was showing me something about my ex that I needed to know. I was reminded in that moment that my ex was still was very much in love with me and that he felt a part of himself was missing without me. This really stung me emotionally as I care very much for him. I felt guilty (still do) for allowing him into my life, allowing him to love me, and then leaving him - alone. I did it knowingly; knowing that I was waiting for my current husband, the "one" who was meant for me this life; my partner. To know that I led him along, allowing him to think that my two children were ours, allowing him to think we would grow old together, makes me shudder. Yet, that was what I was suppose to do, I know this, but it still sucks.

 Going for a Drive

As I left my ex behind in the dream, a door in the house opened up upon a pathway and a wooded area. I remember telling him I was going to go for a drive. I took off along the path on foot. The woods were dark but I could see the trees high over head and see the foliage along the side of the road.

As I walked, I came upon an old house that upon closer inspection appeared to be a store or a restaurant. It had a steel roof and there was steam coming out of a chimney. I investigated and found it was a factory or outlet of some sort. There was a man there tending to a fire and I questioned him about the store being out in the middle of nowhere. It was a big place made of metal and was painted a creamy tan color, the color of the earth path I had been walking upon. I decided at that time to walk back. I recall speaking to a man briefly before going back. I believe he was trying to talk me into trying again.

As I walked back the dream stopped and I again heard my guide quite clearly. He said, "Discouraged". I repeated, "Discouraged".

30 Days

I awoke hearing myself say "discouraged" to my guide. I didn't understand why. I went back to sleep, wondering about it.

I found myself in a cafeteria with a bunch of people, coworkers I think. We were all seated together and I listened as they spoke about the coming year. I recall them talking about a place I use to work when I lived in Alaska. I felt out of place and awkward. The man next to me (my friend in the dream and likely my guide though I don't recall anything except that he had dark hair) invited me to get something to drink. He gave me a balloon. It was to be my cup (balloon). He left to fill his cup (balloon). When he left I felt worried because I lost him in a crowd of people but I was directed to the drink area and went to the drink dispenser and filled it up with Diet Dr. Pepper. When I got back to the table I had to pour it out into a cup. I remembering being instructed to do this by my friend but it felt weird. I recall having to cut the top off the balloon to get the drink into the cup. I did not like what came out. It looked like a mixture of milk and Dr. Pepper. I didn't drink it.

A woman approached me then and offered me a position back with my old employer. It was temporary, though, only 30 days and I recall contemplating taking the job. I hesitated, though, because I knew that it would not pay as much as my current job and that it would only be temporary. Immediately I thought about my children and worried about how I would take care of them. The new job would be much more enjoyable but not permanent. Was it worth it?

When I awoke this dream was fresh in my mind. I wondered if it had anything to do with the message "discouraged". Most likely, it did.

Reflection

The meaning of the first dream is explained by my consideration of the message from my guide. I obviously was thinking about my past and of my ex. Even though I left him over 10 years ago, I still wonder about how he is doing and worry about him. To me, he was and always will be my family. However, he always felt more like a brother to me than a husband, though I know I felt like a wife to him and not a sister. In a way I feel I agreed to help him this life as his friend. I am sad, though, that his lesson has been such a difficult one and that I am part of why it has been so difficult.

The dream about the cafeteria seems to have been me thinking about my options. When I heard myself say "discouraged" I recall thinking it was because my career goals were not going to materialize like I hoped. I am still trying to get a counseling job with little success. If I don't get one, then I have agreed with my husband to resign from my job, put our house on the market and move. However, I recently found out that my husband will likely not get the promotion he was suppose to get. Without his promotion I feel scared about me not having a job. So the dream seems to go right along the same lines as my current worries. Would I consider a job that paid less temporarily to get myself out of my current job? I don't know. I seem to not like the idea of drinking "milk mixed with Dr. Pepper".

Strangely, even with these feelings of dis-ease, I still feel that leaving this job would be, will be, the best choice, regardless of what comes after. It does scare me, however, not to know what might come next. Temporary employment? More unhappy experiences or better, happier ones?

My guide was definitely right, it is very discouraging indeed.




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