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And You Caused It....

This title is part of the lyrics of a song that I felt drawn to yesterday. I listened to it several times before I figured out what it was that was pulling me to listen to it. The song is called Youth by Daughter. It is such a haunting song which is why it pulled me into it. The part "and you caused it" seemed to be a message my guides were hinting at. All this mess that I perceive in my life, it was...IS... created by me. By my thoughts and beliefs, my fears and paranoia about the future. It is all me. I caused it.

Scare

Yesterday was a scary day overall. The migraine that began my day went away after I had a talk with a coworker who listened and did not reject my considerations about my job. She was in agreement with me, in fact, and helped me see that I was not alone. Knowing this was a big relief to me. I could feel the weight come off my shoulders, if only for a moment.

I spoke to my doctor's nurse about my headaches. She did not think it necessitated a visit to the doctor. She asked me to monitor them and go into labor and delivery if the headache got severe, lasted longer than usual or had symptoms that created problems in my daily life. Overall she made me feel more at ease and I was grateful to have consulted her. I will need to monitor my blood pressure, though, as they worry I could be developing pre-eclampsia like I did with my daughter. I hope not!

Later in the day, my headache came back but it was just a dull one. I began to feel the negativity of my job again and was just not feeling very well overall. I went to the bathroom and found blood again. Not a lot but enough to scare me. I did not feel my heart sink into my stomach like I did last time. I took it in stride and told myself to slow down and take it easy. I drank more water and tried to relax until I left work. On the way home I listened to the song I just wrote about above and by the time I got home I was convinced that I needed to just lay down until it was time to pick up my kids.

As I lay in my bed snuggled under my blankets, the baby kicked around as if trying to tell me he was alright. I relaxed and just laid there. I couldn't keep my mind quiet. Sleep was not meant to be.

I rested the rest of the night. My husband helped out and picked up the kids and kept them busy. I snuggled with them before bed and things went very calmly. I fell asleep at 8pm and woke around 4:30am, unable to go back to sleep. I felt good when I woke up. Though my dreams were vivid, they did not coincide with my waking thoughts. I immediately knew there was hope for me still when it came to work; to not give up; to hold on. The concern about a possible brain tumor seemed far away. I am starting to feel I overreacted. This will only make things worse. I need to keep positive and not allow the negativity of life pull me down. That is the worst threat to me of all.

Another Guide

I recognized that I had a fourth guide. Four. All of them standing to my left.

It is weird how they move from one side to the other. I am told their location has to do with my perception and my energy. They stand where they are best perceived. Right now that seems to be on my left. Usually one is more prominent than the others, this time they were all together but the main voice I hear, as always, is male.

It makes me think of Steven. I wonder, has this male voice always been the voice of Steven? Is the changing of guides merely a reflection of change within myself and not necessarily an actual change in guides? I want to say that is more true than the idea that we get new guides. Guides are a reflection of us, of the part of us that Remembers; our Higher Self. As we grow and change, learn and expand in awareness, it would make sense that our perception of our guides also changes. That is why it is so important to focus on the feel of the guide, not so much the appearance of them. When I focus on how they feel, their individual uniqueness, they are more real to me than ever. The way they appear to me is only there to reassure.

I don't know who this new guides is. I only know that there is a male feeling to him. Usually when there are more guides there is a need for more guides. I have had as many as 12 in the past. Usually this number indicates a big change or shift in my life. I had this number when I met my husband, when I had my daughter and my son. I will likely have this many when this son is born as well. It is like they are celebrating milestones in my life. I am happy to have them.

Other Considerations

From the beginning of this pregnancy I have know that I need to take it easy. I have been trying to. I dropped graduate school, dropped going to the gym and asked for my husband to help out more with family/home affairs. It has helped immensely but I am still feeling I need to "take it easy" and "slow down". Maybe I am getting old and my body just doesn't handle pregnancy as it use to. I am definitely more tired than my other pregnancies. I push myself like I did in the other ones but this time around, when I push myself, I often find I feel irritable and exhausted. I go to sleep at 8pm every night and sleep hard so I know my body is tired. Is this what getting older does? Is this how it starts? Or is it just pregnancy? I guess I will find out after this little guy is born. I do feel older, though. I also find I am fighting it. I still go running. I shouldn't. My uterus aches when I do it. Yet I keep doing it! I should get a spanking for that! That is probably why I am having spotting more often and also why I am so darn tired. So, I am going to just walk and walk slower, not this 4.0mph pace that makes my hips feel tired and feels forced.

Come to think of it, I keep getting this thought that says, "You don't need to exercise. Take a break. Lay down" and more like it. I push them away every time. I think, "No, I won't give in. I won't be lazy." I even recognized that I viewed this voice of reason (because that is what it is) as a "bad" voice, tempting me to become fat and lazy like so many other pregnant women I have known. This is illogical. It is dangerous. It is stupid.

I must have hit the message my guides have been trying to get through to me because I got emotional when typing the stupidity of my actions. I mean, I got the message from day one to SLOW DOWN. It was practically yelled at me that day in the gym, when I was in denial that I was pregnant and had a terrorizing incident of gushing bright red blood. If that wasn't a big red flag, I don't know what was. I did tone it down, but not enough. I have not been listening to my body. I have been thinking I could do as I did in my other pregnancies where I ran 2-4 miles 3-4 days a week up until 30 weeks along. Now when I try to run I barely make 2 miles and if I do then I feel like death after. How selfish of me to keep pushing my body. I am surprised I haven't lost this baby from my irresponsibility.

Enough of me being hard on myself. What is done is done. Today starts a new day. I'll take it easy and see what happens.

I had another realization yesterday morning. I recognized a feeling that can only be described as my ego bristling. It feels like a huge wall goes up; like I put a force field around me that says, "No I won't". It is palpable and I tasted it, it tasted bitter. Ugh! How nasty it tastes! But I realized that this was a sort of breakthrough in itself. To recognize the moment of bristling, how it feels, how it tastes, how it keeps the real me blocked from getting in. It is a protective measure but it blocks the me that Knows, that Remembers. How can anyone be logical and calm with such a barrier in place? To be aware of the barrier may help me to take it down quicker and even keep it from going up. It won't be easy, but now that I know what it feels like, what it tastes like (it has a bitter taste - really!) maybe I can be more in control of it.

These are my goals: Think positive, control my thoughts, control my ego, slow down, take it easy and listen to my body. Oh, and stop being so hard on myself. I am not super woman. Ask for help more often. It is okay to need help. Because, after all, I cause this.



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